ParadiXe Blog

Delicate Fabrics (Nov.20/11)

2011-11-20T00:55:00.000-08:00

This is unquestionably going to be the most challenging blog entry I've ever written, mainly due to how personal it's going to get. I typically try to veer away from writing things about my personal life, since I don't wanna post anything that someone involved may not approve of. Even if I leave out names, it's probably obvious to anyone that's ever known me who I'm talking about. In reality, my personal life is kinda none of anyone's business, especially strangers'. However, in this day & age, lots of people's lives are made more public, mainly due to the internet, so it'd feel odd to not discuss it at all. Plus, I'm a real person too, outside of my more fictional ParadiXe character, which I use as more of a creative release. Blogs are an affective creative release too, but in different way, clearly. They're more of an accurate representation of me, and everything written is factual, whereas Twitter is more like a circus, in many ways. I'm gonna start this one off by getting some weight off my shoulders about the most serious romantic relationship I've ever been in.

I almost feel like I have no choice but to discuss this, since it's been on my mind more than ever recently, and I need to get it out, at the expense of my own ego. Her and I were together for six years, and haven't had any communication with each other for two and a half. We officially got together in 2002, then separated in 2008, while trying to remain close friends afterwards. At that point, I was taking anti-psychotic medication, which was part of the stipulation for us remaining in each others' lives. Another stipulation was that she didn't want to have any contact with me while I was drinking alcohol. After we broke up, whenever she'd visit me, or I'd visit her, she'd make sure there was no alcohol involved. At the time, I considered it to be kind of a strict policy, but in retrospect, she made perfect sense. Looking back on all the times throughout our relationship where I acted inappropriately, like, 95% of it occurred while I was drinking. At least 95%. I honestly can't think of one time that we'd get in a legit argument, or I'd behave like an asshole, while sober. When I was drinking though, things went downhill more often than not. Not only that, I made alcohol my priority over her. There were literally hundreds of times where she'd want me to do something with her (play a game, watch TV, come to bed, etc) but instead, I'd go out in the car by myself, drink, and listen to music... sometimes for hours. It's like I was blind to the fact that what I was doing was wrong. When I was sober, things were fine, but when I was drunk, I was incredibly selfish. Not only that, I'd frequently talk about things like aliens, religion, and topics such as that, which are okay to discuss once in a while, but when mixed with alcohol, I'd often cross the line into psychotic weirdness, to say the least. I do believe there's a time and a place for all that (like Twitter, for example), no matter how strange some of it is, but releasing it all on her was definitely unfair. Since the friends I grew up with had moved away to pursue careers, and I stayed behind, she was the only one in the area I had left to vent to about anything, putting a lot of pressure on her. She almost became like a parental figure after a while, which, again... was totally unfair to her.

I was never sexually or physically abusive (she could've more than likely kicked my ass anyways), but some of my actions would have to be categorized as mental abuse, which I feel horribly guilty about. And when I say she could've kicked my ass, that's no under-statement. She was always known as being quite tough. As a matter of fact, one of the main things that drew us to each other was that we were both big pro-wrestling fans. I'll even go so far as to say she was a bigger fan than I was before we started talking. I had been a fan for a longer period of time, but she was borderline obsessed back then. Throughout the duration of our relationship, we both said that pro-wrestling was our main common interest, and without that, we might not have hooked up to begin with. At first, I'd either go to her place to watch PPVs, or she'd come down to my grandmother's (where I was living at the time), and it just expanded from there. We both collected WWF/E tapes/DVDs, and spent, I'd say about 50% of our overall time together watching wrestling. That's no exaggeration either. Her favourite was always Chris Jericho, and we attended multiple live events, including a televised Raw.

There were some bad times (mostly near the end of the relationship), but we shared so many awesome memories too. I mean, we were pretty much as close as you can possibly get, short of being married. And, at the time, I didn't believe in marriage anyway. I, more or less, didn't believe in anything. I was anti-this, anti-that, anti-friggin-everything. At least now, I'm just like, anti... a-few-things. Back then, I would put her down for helping her mother with Sunday School, as well as 'working for society', even though she spent some of that money on me. How immature is that? Those are the types of actions I look back on, that wears on my conscience. It's one thing to be against a concept, but it's another thing to take it out on good people, trying to do something positive. That's like being anti-war, and taking it out on the soldiers themselves. I don't want anyone to misinterpret that as meaning I'm against religion, because I'm not. As long as religion motivates you to be a hopeful person, tolerant of others' beliefs, I have no problem with it at all, even Christianity.

Anyways, we had officially broken up in 2008, but remained friends up until May of 2009, when I breached our agreement by quitting the pills I was prescribed for schizophrenia, and I was drinking s well. I sent her a psychotic e-mail, about aliens being in cahoots with the govn't (among other things), and that was the end. I haven't had one stitch of communication with her since, and I don't blame her one bit. The first thing I wrote was that I had quit the pills, since I hated how they made me feel... plus the whole thing was completely psychotic. I was unhappy with where I was living at the time, but I don't wanna blame it on that, since I should've been living somewhere else by then anyways. I'm still not on anti-psychotics, but as I've explained before, I have my reasons. It seems like the only time I get psychotic even now, is when alcohol is added to the equation. Hmmm, I think I detect a pattern. As much as I enjoy drinking, that might be something I should consider quitting. I have cut back drastically, but it's too easy to let it get out of control. It would be useful if I could just have a beer or two, then stop, but I'm not that type of person. So, whether I want to admit it or not, my best bet would probably be to give it up altogether. Weed's fine, but alcohol usually sends me off the deep end of Cray-Cray-ville.

Even though I've never met my biological father, I've been told he's similar to me in that way (or, technically, I'm similar to him, since I came out of his cock, but you know what I mean). Also, my mother's older sister, and father both died quite young because of alcohol-related issues, and it's quite prominent on that side of the family as well. So, biologically... I'm fucked, pretty much. Being labelled an 'alcoholic' makes me uneasy, even though it's probably accurate. But a 'pothead'? I can handle that one. My ex g/f never had a problem with weed (even though she didn't smoke it herself). If anything, it always made me a better person, and we'd end up doing more things that she wanted to do, when I was high. I have no idea what's going on with her now, or if she'd ever be willing to forgive/talk to me again. If not, I completely understand, and am prepared to accept it. This was more of a confessional than anything. My stubbornness makes it difficult to admit when I'm wrong, but that's always the wisest thing to do when you know you are, rather than carrying it with you.

Well then. How do I transition from such a sensitive topic, to the rest of the blog entry, that is the question. This one's been far from easy, that's for sure. It's like... I wanna make it as entertaining as possible to satisfy the readers, while at the same time, be careful to describe how things were, in an accurate (not too personal) way. I know I've portrayed myself as an asshole, and if that ruins my reputation with potential future relationships with girls, then so be it. I had to be honest, not only for the sake of my conscience, but to be fair to her as well.

So... what shall I discuss? Something fun. Hmmm, doodle-doodle, quite controodle, how does your penis grow? Hey doodle, doodle, the cat and the poodle, the cow licked a purple balloon? Meh, it's not as good when I try to force something silly, I need to just let it happen naturally. So let's talk about something, and if I think of anything silly along the way, I'll include it, you'll all go "ha ha ha," and I'll continue on modestly, as if I wasn't even trying to be funny all along. Sounds good to me...

Alright. Sometimes as I'm walking down the street, I'll look at the world in weird ways. Like, how us, as humans, have created this society the way it is, and how everything is physically set up to make life convenient for us. One major thing I've noticed, living in the city, is that everything is positioned where it is for specific reasons. Even natural things, like plants and ponds. Every branch on every tree is carefully trimmed, and placed where it is for a purpose. For example, as you're walking down some streets, there'll be trees all along the sides of the road, with branches that shade the walker from the weather. Not only the solar rays, but precipitation as well. In the countryside, there's all kinds of living things just scattered around everywhere. You can take a walk, and there'll be splinters, all different types of plants, various sized ponds, etc. In the city, even natural things seem more... I dunno, artificial. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's just different. Then you think about the way everything's divided, and how the roads are designed to optimize the ability to travel from point A to point B as quickly as possible. Lots of those types of things go through my mind during the day, especially when I'm stoned, haha. Thinking like that gives me a deeper appreciation for life itself, and how strange this whole experience really is. I'm one of those people that gets pleasure out of the seemingly simple things, but that's probably because I think about them in a complex way. I do a lot of pondering about "unanswerable" questions as well. And I put quotes on the word 'unanswerable' because who's really to say what things are unanswerable? I'm sure hundreds of years ago, there were concepts that people thought would never be answered, yet they are today. Maybe in 20 years we'll discover complete proof of intelligent life outside of Earth, and even communicate with them (assuming the govn't isn't secretly doing that already). They probably friggin are though, when you think about it. Maybe humans aren't really the most dominant species in the world afterall, maybe it's them. They wouldn't be assisting the human govn't for the sole purpose of helping our species, just out of the kindness of their hearts (or whatever the alien equivalent to that expression would be). That wouldn't make any sense. So, perhaps they're in collusion with the most rich/powerful human beings, to ensure the rest of the population does exactly what these beings want them to do, in order to eventually mould the world into a place fit for them to live. I shudder to think what kinds of technology they have to work with. Also, if this is factual, what plans do they have for us once they make themselves known as the real most dominant species? Would they allow humans to co-exist with them, and we all live together in one big, happy world? Or are we just temporary to them, and once we finish doing whatever they're using us for, they get rid of us? Or... do I have an over-active imagination? Haha, that's always a possibility, but thinking like that once in a while surely makes life more interesting. I actually think it's healthy, as long as you don't overindulge.

It's easy to overindulge in things that bring you satisfaction, and some people claim it's useless to waste your time thinking about things that can't be proven, but I disagree. Sometimes I'll ponder issues such as the meaning of life/how the universe was created, and it does indeed lead me to a more satisfying state of mind. Finding absolute answers isn't the most important thing, but widening your perspectives and re-evaluating your position in life is. It might seem depressing to some, since you can reach a point where you conclude that life has no real meaning, but in a way, that gives it more meaning. It's hard to explain, but when you consider how all living things are interconnected, even in terms of the food chain, it's incredible how miraculous it all is, despite having no distinct meaning. It gives you a sense of freedom/liberation that you didn't have beforehand. Although, journeying into those realms of your mind can also drive you insane if you dive in too deep, haha.

I have a very artistic way of thinking, which some might say is a more feminine trait, but that's fine. I'll openly admit that I have more feminine qualities than most guys (on the inside, anyway). I've never dressed up in a little pink tu-tu, or worn makeup before, but I'm definitely not very masculine. Actually, now that I think of it, I have worn a dress a few times, but it was either on Hallowe'en or during Hallowe'en-themed festivities. In grade 12, during our Hallowe'en grad social, I covered all of my visible skin with red face paint, dyed my hair black, put two spikes in it, and went dressed as Satan. Haha, as a matter of fact, there's a pic of it in our yearbook. And before that, in drama class, I dyed my skin green with food colouring, as part of my costume for The Grinch. That actually turned out a bit more catastrophic than I was expecting though, since it wouldn't wash out, and I had green skin for about 4 days after our play. But those were just costumes. In reality, I'm merely a wimpy little boy, intimidated by the transcendental vastness of the seemingly delicate fabrics that compose the beauty of... okay, maybe I'm not that artistic, but I try. Ya gotta give me that much.

Perhaps the reason I'm not very 'manly' is due to the fact I was raised by all females, haha. I had two different step-fathers, but we weren't very close. Other than that, it was all my mother, aunts, and grandmother. I didn't really have a male role-model to look up to growing up. Overall, my family isn't horrible at this point, but they do get annoying sometimes. Since I've moved here, whenever I go back to visit, my grandmother will always make comments about how I'm too skinny, my pants are falling down, and I probably don't eat enough. That just sounds like genuine concern on her part, but after explaining myself several times, it becomes obvious she's just saying it to attempt to get under my skin. To clarify though, I have lost weight since quitting the anti-psychotics, but if anything, I've been eating more. The weight loss has nothing to do with my diet, and I'm not even underweight, for frig sakes. Technically, I'm at an ideal, healthy weight. Anyways, that's just one example, but family members do that to me all the time. I've never felt like I fit in with them. It's well known that victims of abuse tend to become abusers themselves, and without naming any names, there is a history of abuse within the family. Instead of falling into those patterns though, I'm trying to break the cycle, and treat others how I want to be treated, rather than how I've been treated. I also have to keep in mind that most of them have been supportive in a lot of ways, and I'm thankful for that.

I refuse to bash my family (or upbringing) that much here, but like a lot of kids, growing up wasn't the easiest thing in the world. During high school, I spent as much time as possible at friends' houses, since I didn't like staying home. I rarely got along with my step-father, and Mom was seldom in a good mood, so I tried to avoid being there altogether. They did make me babysit my younger brother more than I would've liked to though, since he was quite difficult to handle back then. However, I must say, he behaved a million times better for me than he did for both of them combined. I'm not sure why that is, maybe I had better disciplinary techniques. Rather than yelling and screaming at him all the time, I set it up in ways to reward him for good behaviour. I'd either play Nintendo with him if he was good, allow him stay up for an extra half hour, or let him listen to Green Day as he was going to sleep. I remember one time in particular... it was right after the album 'Warning' came out, and I dubbed it off on a cassette tape for him to listen to when he went to bed. There's only one song on that entire album that contains profanity, but I left it on there, since he probably heard the word 'fuck' several times a day from his father anyways, and at least that was in the context of a song with a good message. I complained a lot back then about how much they made me look after him (especially if I had other plans that night), but in retrospect, I wouldn't change it. I loved him more than anything, and still do. Even though he's practically grown up now, he's currently one of the top 3 people I love the most in life, and there's no reason that should ever change, as corny as that sounds. I'm looking forward to spending time with him during the holidays when I go back down to visit, so hopefully he's able to. He's smarter than me in a lot of ways, and I miss our interesting talks. I really don't know where I'm going to stay for a whole week though, but I'll figure something out.

An old friend of mine is also planning to visit from Toronto, with his g/f during the holidays, and I guess they're staying for a week. They're gonna spend a night in Halifax, then I'm going down to Shelburne County with them the next day. I haven't seen them for over a year, so I'm looking forward to that as well.

At the moment, I don't have as much of a social life as I'd like, which usually isn't a huge deal, since I'm somewhat introverted. However, I won't deny that I get lonely once in a while, and that sometimes makes things hard. Heh, did you hear that, Beavis? He said "makes things hard" heh heh. Yeah... I obviously didn't mean it that way, but that does remind me of a line a few of us would always use when we were teenagers. Whenever someone would say something like "I'm coming," one of us would always say "get a bucket!" For one thing, isn't a bucket pretty big to use for catching jizz? Wouldn't a cup suffice? Or a piece of paper towel? We said that all the time though, and thought we were as clever as can be. If we used that line on someone who hadn't heard us say it before, they'd be slightly confused at first, before cluing in to what we meant, then rolling their eyes. I can see why now, but back then, it seemed hilarious.

In some ways, looking at the past seems better than the present, and makes me wanna be there. The thing is though, it's always been that way. At the moment, if I look back at, say, 5 years ago, it seems way more appealing than today. But... five years ago, I said the same thing! Then, 5 years before that, I considered 5 years prior to that to be better. This could either mean: a) I'm unable to fully enjoy the here & now, since my mind is more focused on the past & future, b) When I view the past, I concentrate more on the positive things, as compared to concentrating more on the negative things in the present, or c) Things are getting progressively worse as time goes on. Something tells me, in 2016, I'll look back at now as being the 'good ol days', and wish I were here. Hopefully not though, since there are many things currently in my life that I'm unhappy with, and I want things to be better in 5 years, not worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for my existence, and I'm moderately happy most of the time, but there's plenty of room for improvement.

I still don't know where I see myself in 5 years, or what I'm expecting out of life, career-wise, but it'd be nice if I had a stable job by then, preferably doing something that I like. If I plan to get a university degree though, at the pace I'm going, I doubt I'll be able to complete it by then. I'm still hanging in there with this Philosophy course, but it's seeming less and less enjoyable as time goes on. I've always been interested in the subject, and I like the professor and everything, but the work itself is aggravating. I'm finding it to be increasingly difficult, especially knowing that most of what I'm learning is going to be forgotten after I get the credit (if I successfully last that long). Sure, some of the concepts will stick with me in my long-term memory, but I'd say about 90% of it won't. There's just too much of it, and my brain's gonna wanna make room for other stuff. Plus, it seems like a lot of effort, with little chance of it being worth it. My goal is to get my Creative Writing credit, but what will I do with that once I get it? Instead of trying to get an education involving something artsy, I often ask myself, why not take something that'll ensure I get a decent paying job, and do artsy stuff on the side? I'm not designed for physical labour, but I could always take classes to allow me to get decent non-physical work in the meantime, even if it isn't my ideal job. Then, if I write a book on the side, for instance, I'd still be satisfying that urge, while being able to fully support myself, and live peacefully. It's not easy, figuring this stuff out, and it can get very stressful. I live in one of the best parts of the world there is, yet life is still a bitch sometimes. I dunno man, I'm gonna continue to do the best I can, while keeping a positive attitude. You never know what opportunities may arise in the meantime, or where fate might take you. There are a few things I know I'd be good at, and a few scenarios I know I'd thrive in, but the tricky part is figuring out specifically how to make it happen, and how to get there.

I'm not saying the class I'm taking is completely useless, since, like I said, there are some things that will stick with me, and alter my way of thinking. One of those things involves the concept of good and evil. I've always thought that negativity needs to exist for us to be able to comprehend and appreciate positivity. While it is indeed factual that evil brings out what's called '2nd order good' (traits such as being noble) that couldn't possibly exist without evil, the aspect that I didn't consider was how it works in reverse as well. There's also a such thing as '2nd order evil'. It gets more in-depth, but writing about it seems too much like school work, haha. Another part of a lesson that'll end up in my long-term memory (if it isn't there already) is how we look for signs in nature, and perceive things as 'miracles', when in reality, it's due to how are expectations are set. If we have our expectations set in a specific way, we tend to force things to justify our beliefs by noticing patterns that aren't really there. For example, if you have it in your mind that the colour red is out to get you, and you wanna prove it, you start to notice more of it everywhere, despite the fact that there's an equal amount of blue and yellow objects too. This is why some people believe in divine intervention - they see what they're expecting to see, and claim it's an act from some type of god, rather than being simply a random occurrence. That's a very intriguing thing to keep in mind the next time you suspect the existence of any type of conspiracy, or see signs pointing to the involvement of a supernatural entity. I'm not ruling out the possibility of any of those things, but it's good idea to be able to distinguish the difference between what's really going on, and how our brains filter the information.

So, how many people do you think are reading this blog? Everyone knows what I think about intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, so I wouldn't be surprised if this is currently being absorbed by otherworldly entities as well. But why would they care though? Why me, of all people? Hmmm, I'll tell ya why... cuz I'm fuckin amazing, that's why!! Haha, nah, as you can judge by what I've written earlier in this entry, I surely have my 'unamazing' moments. It's one thing to gain power elsewhere in the cosmos, but if you can't apply it to this reality, this dimension, this planet, then what's the good of it? I'd assume that losing credibility here would also cause you to lose power elsewhere, since they'd be like "well, he can't sufficiently 'hang' on Earth, so he's not up to task when it comes to [whatever]." And I'm not putting myself in a different category than anyone else by saying this, either. Everyone has a spirit/soul, and is part of the overall energy of the cosmos, past, present & future. On Earth though, in this particular existence, you need to follow their rules, and reach a point where you're able to work to support yourself (and potentially a family), while spreading as much positivity to others as humanly possible. The power you obtain elsewhere might assist you in being able to reach such goals, but some action is required in this existence as well. And when I say 'power', I don't mean it in a bad, or controlling way. Everything that assists you is a form of power (even basic needs, such as food & shelter). I have no desire to selfishly take anything from the world, I want to give to it. I just want a job doing something creative that enables me to do this, and also pays enough for me to be able to live comfortably. I don't expect to get anywhere from my blogs, but it's an interesting concept to be able to post something online, with the knowledge that anyone can read it, and there'll be a record of it forever. In ten years, will I look back on this very article and shake my head in embarrassment? I don't see why, but you never know. I try to avoid posting anything in these that I'll regret in the future, but that's the risk you take sometimes, being so eccentric.

Instinctively, I get the feeling lots of people (in this dimension, haha) are reading my stuff at this point. I've briefly discussed that before, but there are ways to tell. The thing is though, I also get the impression that this is happening because the majority of them wanna see me fail, for whatever reason. But, fail at what? I'm not trying to accomplish anything specific, aside from having fun, and expressing myself creatively. I know some people are genuinely entertained by my material, and want the best for me, but there'd be no way I'd be getting all the attention I've been receiving if it weren't for the 'haters', haha. That might be too strong of a term, but still. I don't have anything to be ashamed of though, quite frankly, I'm just trying to supply the world with more entertainment. How is that so wrong? There are advantages and disadvantages to having so many readers, but it must have turned out this way for a reason, so I'm not gonna feel guilty about it. Like, what do you want me to do, apologise? Come on. If you have talent, and you consistently back it up, eventually things end up happening. I know, for a fact, that I have loads of creative ability, and nobody walking the face of the planet can be a better Justin Blake Atwood than I am. I'm not trying to taunt my readers as much as I am trying to stand up for myself. I've been brutally honest about what's inspired me over the years, and helped shape me into the person I currently am. At this point though, I know I've influenced others as well, and even though I've never claimed to be a role-model, I do try to set a decent example for people. If anyone spreads lies about you, set the record straight with honesty, like I do. Don't be afraid to stick up for yourself, regardless of what others think. It's possible to do this without harming anyone, or 'stepping on their toes', so to speak. Instead of trying to take someone else down to build yourself up, why not try to build yourself up, without worrying about what they do? Like the saying goes, "blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make yours burn any brighter." Or... "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine." Okay, maybe that one was a bit too corny, but you get the point. Actually, here's a good one: let's say you wanna construct a house, and there's an infinite amount of area to build on. Well, instead of trying to destroy other people's structures, concentrate on building your own. Better yet, help others with theirs, and it might end up benefiting you in the long run. The person you're helping may have some spare nails, and you might be all out. Or they might be in need of an extra beam, and you have plenty. Work together, folks. Unless you're the Big Bad Wolf I suppose, in which case, it won't be long before a frustrated clan of pigs build their house out of bricks, and leave you out in the cold.

Slightly Messy Counter (Oct.14/11)

2011-10-14T01:00:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided to do something a bit different for this blog entry. I'm not sure how it's gonna turn out, or where it'll rank on the entertainment scale, but let's give it a whirl anyway, shall we? I've divided it up, not only into paragraphs, but into separate days as well. I guess you could say it's similar to the way a journal or diary is structured. The only difference is, instead of tucking it away where no one can read it, I'm posting it online, in the public domain. In addition to that though, I'm also including little anecdotes, and random thoughts that come to mind between now and whenever I decide to release this. Don't worry, the theories that I touched on in my previous blog will be discussed further as well, not only to ensure reader satisfaction, but also to attempt to... what did I say, "blow your skulls apart"? Yeah, something like that.

Sept 7th: Well, here I sit in the Dalhousie library. Yesterday was officially the first day of school, but there were no classes, which I was unaware of... so I came in the morning anyway. It wasn't a waste of time though, since I found out where my class is, as well as everything I'm gonna need for it. Plus, there's a shitload of students all over the place, which is helpful when it comes to getting readjusted to the social aspect of things. My first class is tomorrow morning, and even though there are a few butterflies floatin around in the stomach, my nervousness has subsided substantially. I just tell myself that there are other students here that are, no doubt, in a similar situation as me, and are nervous too. It helps to know you're not alone during challenging times, no matter what they may be.
Since I'm not living on campus, and my apt is about a 30min walk away, I might eventually have to invest in a bus pass, especially as it gets colder. For now though, I don't mind the walk. It serves as a good half hour to clear my mind, and organize my thoughts before getting here.

Sept 13th: There's a Tim Horton's on campus, and even though I've never been a big coffee drinker, I'm yet to avoid getting one upon my arrival. That's become the first thing I do every time. Call it a crutch, a habit, addiction... whatever. And to add to it, I usually finish off the coffee with a cigarette, haha. I guess you're allowed to smoke outside on school property, which is convenient. The funny thing is though, there are signs around stating that Dalhousie is a smoke-free environment, yet there are various ashtrays on the premises. Go figure. I'm only a 3-4 cigarette per day smoker anyways (when I'm not drinking), so I guess it wouldn't be a huge issue for me one way or the other. Still, when you're craving a fag, it's nice to be able to suck on one wherever you want, as long as you don't blow it in other people's face.

Sept 25th: Okay, this isn't quite turning out as I had planned. I was gonna make sure to write something in this, if not every day, then at least every few days. Instead, I decided against it, for a few reasons. However, rather than deleting everything I have up to this point, I'm gonna leave it there, and continue on. Go with the flow. Roll with the punches, so to speak. If, for no other reason, than to show that I'm not afraid to have my imperfections exposed. Sometimes things don't go how you want them to, but the challenging part is embracing it, and moving on.
As for university though, everything's going fairly well. Better than I expected, even. At first, I felt a bit overwhelmed, since it seemed to be moving too fast, and I found it difficult to keep up. Now, I'm quite comfortable with it. I'll even say I'm thankful for how well things are going. I'm genuinely more eager to face my future now than I have been for a while. I guess time will tell how well I'm actually gonna fare, academically, but I don't see why I shouldn't be able to do okay.

Alright, folks. Just pretend this is the beginning of the blog entry, and what you're now reading is the opening paragraph. I guess you could say it's the unofficial beginning of the article. Since I have to follow the rules of proper essay structure and use formal English (which can be confusing) on class assignments, it feels good to be able to write however the feeeecckk I want to here. If I had less respect for my prof, and/or was taking my class less seriously, I'd be tempted to vent about it in a blog. But that's not gonna happen, even if I eventually end up struggling with the course. Anyways, what else? Oh, I'll also be discussing Canadian Thanksgiving, rumours, 9/11, Einstein, time travel, existence & creation, technology, pro-wrestling, Hallowe'en, and some other good stuff. Plus, I know I usually like to finish writing my articles before giving them a name, but let's break another rule. Let's give it one right now. Anyone have any ideas? How bout... slightly messy counter? Since that's what's in front of me. Nah, that sounds too... I dunno, it just wouldn't make a good title. I know! I'm gonna use a random word generator to pick three words, then put em in an order of my choosing to serve as the title. I'm sticking with the first three words it gives me (without cheating), so if, for some reason, I'm uncomfortable with the words that are given to me, 'Slightly Messy Counter' it is. The only reason I can think of that'd make me uncomfortable with using three random words, would be that some people tend to dissect things unnecessarily, and I don't wanna cause someone's brain to accidentally explode after reading the title. Afterall, I wanna save the skull fractures for deeper in the article :-)

Canadian Thanksgiving just went by (during the same weekend that Columbus Day fell on in the USA), so I visited my grandmother in Shelburne County, and we went to my aunt's for Thanksgiving dinner. Most people have turkey, which is great and everything, but I wanted someone to get me some ducks by Thanksgiving, and make a duck stew for when I came back, haha. Thankfully, they cooked five of em... along with veggies, dough-boys, and everything else that makes a duck stew what it is. I talked my younger brother (who lives near my grandmother) into joining us, and there was still plenty there for five of us. It's one of those meals that has such a distinct flavour... you either like it or ya don't. Very few people have a neutral opinion of duck stew. I'd highly recommend trying it at least once in your lifetime though, by someone with a good recipe.

Nothing against my hometown, but there are very few opportunities there, in terms of a career, or even meeting new people. Now, since Mom lives out west, there's even less of a reason for me to visit. The last time I saw her was in May, and we got along fairly well, although sometimes I get on her nerves a bit. Especially when I start describing in detail what it felt like to come out of her vagina, and things of that nature. A typical quote from her would be something like, "Justin! Why do you hafta talk like that? It's gross!" Hahaha, (sorry Mom, if you're reading this). Halifax is definitely feeling more like 'home' at this point, although there are a few things I miss about Shelburne County. For example, I can't go walk out in the middle of the woods in the city, and soak in some well-needed 'alone time'. It's not really something I took into consideration before moving here over a year ago; how different the vibe is. Also, how much I'd end up missing simple things, like drinking a beer by a campfire, being able to see the stars better, or breathing clean air. Haha, nah... Halifax isn't that bad when it comes to air pollution, but you can still notice a difference.

I do have one friend/buddy/ally/compadre, whatever word you wanna use, that still lives down in that area though, so spending time with him is something I look forward to. Well, except when we have differences of opinion, even though that's part of the fun of it. Physically, he could kick my ass, so giving him the benefit of the doubt when we disagree is sometimes a wise move, haha. He's one of the few people I've actually cried with, and it was over an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, believe it or not. This was a little while ago, but he brought it up fairly recently. He was like "remember that time we were watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer and both started bawling?" Oh well, I'm definitely not ashamed of it, and think everyone should embrace all of their emotions, not just positive ones. In fact, I actually try to force tears sometimes while engaging in something that "moves my soul" in a positive way, like listening to music, for example. It seems to complete the emotional experience. It's been a couple years since I've actually cried over something negative though, but it actually felt therapeutic at the time. Holding things inside usually does more harm than good.

Speaking of holding things inside, that's what I've been trying to do lately, as it applies to rumours though, since I will admit to recently being a perpetrator of spreading something untrue about someone. I had heard it from a few people, so I told someone who was unaware of it, and come to find out, it was nowhere near being factual. I'm not gonna go into details here, for obvious reasons. As much as I'd like to be able to write freely about personal matters, as well as name names when making examples, that would be unfair. But yeah, it's kind of like that game where everyone sits in a circle, then one person thinks of a sentence, whispers it to the person next to them, and it continues on until it gets back to the first person. Usually, it ends up being something totally different than what it originally was. That was kind of how it happened in this case, and after finding out the truth, I feel bad about not only keeping it going, but believing it to begin with.

Now, whenever I hear something about someone, I automatically assume it's false until I hear it from the person themselves, or I have proof. For example, a couple of blog entries ago, I claimed to have "fucked your mom". I sincerely hope no one indeed "spread the word", since I completely made it up. That's right, your mom's ass is safe! No extra stretch-marks around the rim from me anyway. But that's how things work... I could make up something completely untrue, and if enough people spread it, it eventually becomes "fact". I know this, because I've also been on the other side of it, where it's happened to me before.

The first example I always think of is how my opinions of 9/11 were twisted in grade 12, which nearly ruined my reputation with everyone. All's I said was that, basically: a) George W Bush is stupid, b) The American govn't were secretly responsible for the attacks themselves. This was only a few days after it happened, so opinions like this were unheard of back then. American patriotism was also off-the-charts (even in Canada), and very few people even dared speak their mind. On Sept 13th, 2001, someone brought cupcakes to school with little American flags in them. I bought one, and wore the flag upside-down on my jean jacket. This person (who I, prior to that, was fairly close with), got very very angry, and spread a rumour that I was happy innocent people were killed. I never ever said anything like that. In fact, I even made a point to state the opposite. I consistently expressed that I felt bad about the innocent people that died, and even admitted to shedding a few tears, watching clips from families on the news who lost loved ones. More people believed her, however, which set in motion the craziest grad year I could've asked for. I've since forgiven her, and harbour no hard feelings at all over that. Instead, I've used it to strengthen me, and teach me how easily things like that can happen. There comes a point where, as long as you know, deep down, you've done nothing wrong, fuck what other people think. Also, it wouldn't surprise me if she's reading this, and if so... it's all good. In retrospect, it made things more interesting, so I wouldn't change anything, even if I could.

This seems like an apropos place to talk about time travel. It could get a bit deep from here, so make sure you have your oxygen tank, flashlight, & spelunking gear, or you might get lost. Let's assume time travel is possible. There are different theories as to how it might work. For example, would you go back on the same timeline that you left on? If so, how would you avoid paradoxes (ie: going back in time, and killing an ancestor before you were born)? I've said before that if you were to attempt to commit a paradoxical act, it would somehow be prevented before you did it. Let's say you were to go back to the year before you were born, and slit your biological father's throat. Just as an example. That would mean you could've never been born to begin with, but then, how did he die, if you weren't alive to kill him? So, neither his death nor your being alive makes sense. There would have to be a way to prevent things like that from happening, or that method of time travel would be impossible. How though? How could you possibly prevent those types of things from occurring? One way would be if it was prevented by some type of misinformation received in the timeline before you went back. You might go back with the intent of killing your father, but end up killing the wrong guy, due to being misinformed about his identity in the 'present'. Or, you might always end up failing to do so, because of reasons beyond your control. But how would that work though, exactly? Would you be allowed to go back to any point in time you wanted, or would you had to have created a point to go to yourself, while you're alive sometime during your current existence? If so, that would mean you'd have to figure how how time travel works before you could create a potential spot to travel back to, and no one would ever be able to go back any further than their birth. Still... how would the other parts work? Would your whole body, brain, consciousness, everything, go back to a certain year, and if so, what happens to you in the 'present'? Wouldn't others notice you're gone? See, I try to have an open mind to that particular time travel theory, and understand it as best as I can, but I still can't wrap my head around it. It contains too many unexplainable questions, and just doesn't seem valid.

Another theory would be the one that claims by going faster than the speed of light, you end up travelling ahead in time. This one's more plausible for me. If you went 5 light-years away & back, in 1 year, ten years would've already passed on Earth, right? Is that time travel though? Meh, it's possible. Or would you exist in a world for 9 years, while your image is still going through space, since it's confined to going no faster than light-speed? You'd be able to perceive others in your reality, even though, in essence, you're from 9 years in the past. Would you be invisible during that time though? Or would you occupy another 'vessel' somehow? Or would you just plain & simply exist the way you left, only having aged 1 year, while everyone else has aged 10? I'm not sure I completely understand this theory either, but I will admit it makes sense. The challenge, however, would be in creating the technology to be able to pull off such a feat, and humanity is far from being able to. Besides, going that fast would probably end up killing our physical bodies to begin with. Although, any civilization advanced enough to reach that point will probably also have the technology to figure out those dilemmas. I'm not saying it isn't possible to go faster than the speed of light (sorry Einstein), but obtaining the technology to build a spacecraft with that ability isn't something this particular civilization of humans will be doing anytime soon.

As a matter of fact, a few weeks ago, science supposedly proved Einstein's theory wrong, by getting subatomic particles called 'neutrinos' to travel faster than light. If this is true, that's huge. This theory has been a cornerstone of physics for over a century, and even though I'm not a big science-minded person, I still realise the significance of it. It's always been taught that it's impossible for anything to travel faster than light-speed, and up until now, that's been a solid law of physics. That's one great thing about science, as opposed to religion - it's always willing to change, and alter what they accept as fact, as they learn more, and make new discoveries. Religions still hold on to the same beliefs for thousands of years, until they're so out-dated, it becomes a joke to those of us who aren't brainwashed by it. Science evolves, and gets better in time. Sure, it holds on to some theories & beliefs for a while, but at least it's willing to admit where it went wrong, and alter things accordingly. Anyways, enough religion-bashing for one article. At least I'll try not to.

The question of how we came into existence is something people have pondered for a long time. Or how anything came into existence, really. The more I think about it, the closer I get to the conclusion that reality makes absolutely no sense. In order for us to have been created, something had to have created the creator, and so on, to infinity. And if things came into existence on their own, then how?? Seriously though, like what the frig is goin on?? There had to have been a starting point, right? And if so, what came before the starting point? Had to have been something, or else it simply doesn't make any sense. If nothing existed before something, that means that nothing must have existed for eternity before anything existed at all, which, if you dive deep into your own brain, you'll conclude is an impossibility. How could there be nothing forever, then something? Forever means infinity, therefore, it would be impossible for anything to ever exist within an infinite realm of 'nothing'. I'm trying to explain this as simply as possible... I apologise if I've lost anyone. So, let's assume that there was no starting point then. Let's say the universe has always been here. I can visualize the concept of something lasting forever, and always being there, but not the concept of something always having been there. In other words, infinity makes more sense to me, in a forward direction, rather than a backwards one.

What if, in order for infinity to exist, it needs to go in a cycle? I have this theory, which I don't think anyone else has come up with, although someone probably has. Anyways, maybe the most simple things in existence somehow are needed to create the most complex things, which create less complex things, all the way down the line, until you get to the most simple again, then it repeats. I don't know what the most complex thing in existence is, nor the most simple thing, and perhaps all humans are incapable of comprehending them. I'm just gonna think of a comparison to attempt to convey what I mean in an affective way. Okay, let's say the most complex thing in existence is a beam of light, and this beam of light can somehow create aliens. The most simple thing in existence is a tiny, microscopic organism that was created by human beings. Now, just for the purpose of the example, let's imagine aliens created human beings. So... how did the beam of light get there? How was that created? Hmmm, what if the tiny, microscopic organism that humans created was capable of producing light? There. How's that for blowing your skulls apart?

Some of these ideas just seem to transmit to your brain sometimes. I've had thoughts like this from an early age, with very little influence from pop-culture, or the internet (which is a huge thing nowadays). I remember the first time I used the internet, it was in grade 6, and one computer in the cpu lab had internet. We'd all have to take turns using it, watching over each other's shoulders in absolute amazement that you could just type anything in the box, and information about it would appear on the screen. It was like, "holy fucking shit, I can't believe my eyes!" Well, back then, I didn't use profanity, so more like "holy frigging poop," but you get the idea. It didn't seem believable. Right around that time, the public library in my hometown also got internet, but you had to book half-hour appointments. Me and a friend (who now lives in Toronto) used to reserve time there just to quickly jot down codes for Mortal Kombat video games at the time, and we were literally shitting our pants in excitement just to get back to his place and tear each other's limbs off, as blood flew all over the place (in the game, of course). Today, that would be something everyone would just take for granted, but before internet, where would you find stuff like that? Not only information about video games, but at age 11 or 12, they were among the most important things in our lives. It's a bit scary, when you think about how fast we're evolving, as a species. Lots of people always say in the 1960s & 70s, people envisioned 2011 as being like The Jetsons or something. Well, in a way, it kind of is. Having all the information/modes of communication right in your pocket, or in the palm of your hand is unbelievable, in many ways. Most people don't notice how advanced we're getting, because it happens fairly gradually. But if I could go back even 10 years and show myself how things are today, I doubt I'd believe it. I wouldn't believe how connected the world has become, technologically. Even though it's been a steady process, it's still bewildering to think about. All of this has to be having a major affect on kids growing up today, not having experienced a world less... connected. Is it good or bad though? That's a difficult question to answer.

Even though my original thoughts haven't been influenced much by the internet, nor pop-culture over the years, I will admit to it having slightly moulded the way I think. The thing is though, I only tend to flock to things that I already have an interest in to begin with. For example, I doubt I ever would have become such a fan of the band 311 if I weren't already interested in concepts such as space, aliens, time-travel, etc, since a lot of their songs were (and are) about those sorts of things. However, over the last 10 years, I can't deny that their music has been influential to me. I haven't been able to see them live, which sucks, but I guess as a Canadian with very little travelling money, that's how it goes. Still though... every one of their songs have been pumped into my psyche so many times, anywhere from being wide awake, to in a deep sleep, that I'd only be lying to myself if I were to say they've had no influence on me. Not only that, I associate their music with so many experiences, both negative and positive, it's like their music is almost a part of me, which sounds weird. Also, it's helped me through difficult times, bad moods, and other cliched stuff that fans of every band always say. I absolutely love 311... but that doesn't mean I wanna suck Nick Hexum's cock or anything (although it probably tastes good, but that's beside the point). I'd prefer just being a fan of theirs, and loving what they produce, rather than loving them personally, in a passionate way. Plus, I'm not homosexual anyways... or even bisexual for that matter.

I know a few blogs back, I discussed my theory on how I think everyone is bisexual, but just because I gave myself a 15%, doesn't mean I think I'm what society has labelled as "bisexual". If anyone thought that, you've misinterpreted what I was trying to say (surprise, surprise). As far as that theory goes, I would rate your typical quote un-quote "straight person" as being 10-15% gay. If you don't know what I mean, refer to 'Up The Spout Again', and read the section on bisexuality. Since I'm clarifying things from previous blogs that people may have misinterpreted, the part in my previous one when I said I was intimidated in social situations, where people I don't know are having a good time, etc, I just meant that I'm socially awkward sometimes, and wish I could join them, for instance. I like to see everyone enjoying themselves, whether they're strangers or not. I guess I was more or less just trying to think of weaknesses to write about, to be humble, and let anyone who's struggling in similar ways to know they're not alone.

I have many weaknesses, and I try my best to view myself objectively, while being honest about them. That's why insults don't tend to work on me. Whenever anyone says something negative about me, it's either: a) a weakness I'll admit to, b) something untrue/made up, or c) something I'm proud of. An example of c) would be when someone tries to insult me by calling me a fan of pro-wrestling, or a wrestling "mark". Ummm, ya think?? That's something I've been proud of my entire life. Did I ever believe that Bret Hart and Mr Perfect were going in the ring to legitimately hurt each other? Never. But that didn't stop me from getting engaged in the matches, and "marking-out". Whenever I've watched pro-wrestling, even back in the day with others, we'd use that term quite frequently. Like, "Wow, I just marked-out over that, big time!" Almost everything on TV is 'fake' anyways, especially in 2011, so I don't see where the shame is in being a fan, without all the other bullshit coming along with it. People never put others down for being a fan of a movie (unless the movie's fucking stupid, but you get the point).

Well, how should I close this one off? Maybe by telling a frighteningly chilling Hallowe'en story? How bout by carving a pumpkin, and writing a detailed description of my trials & tribulations while doing so? I have an idea... let's go to the tickle trunk!! Bahaha, that's in reference to a Canadian show I used to watch when I was about 6 or 7 called 'Mr Dressup', which kicked a complete asscheek and a half, by the way. I watched Sesame Street too, but liked Mr Dressup waaayy more. Anyways, I'm all outta steam for now. I'll try to get another one out in November, if possible. I have an assignment due in a few days, so I'm afraid I'm gonna hafta get back in formal English writing mode. So first, I should get some of this slang out of my system that I have bottled up inside of me, which may also lead to a run-on sentence, full of complete and total redundant speech, fucked up swearing, and overall cravefulness. Ah! Oh yeah, I made up the word 'craveful' a long time ago, since there's no other words in the dictionary that means exactly the same thing. I used to use it all the time, mainly out of habit, but it's still a very craveful word. And if anyone steals it, or takes credit for it, I'll slice your bag open, and eat your balls like a couple of seedless grapes! I'm kidding, of course. Happy Hallowe'en, and if you get trick-or-treaters, don't buy plain chips... I know from experience.

Squeeze A Little Squirt (Sept.05/11)

2011-09-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

Well, hello there. It's nice of you to stop by my little bloggie to see what the dilly-o is. Actually, what is a dilly-o? I know I've heard the expression "what's the dilly-o?" somewhere before. At least I think I have, unless it was in an alternate timeline or something. Speaking of a dilly-o though, I just have to say, I crave the fuck out of dill pickles. The same goes for all pickled foods, now that I think about it. If you haven't tried solomon gundy, I'd highly recommend doing so (fish, pickled in a type of wine, mixed with onions). When I eat anything pickled, I tend to look forward to eating the onions in it the most, for some reason. It's like this added bonus on something that's already great. It's not a necessity like it is with liver, but it puts the finishing touch on pickled goods, for sure. Oh, and beets... can't forget about those. Sometimes people don't put onions in beets though. Maybe it fucks up the flavour, I'm not sure. The only thing I can figure out as to why I like pickled, dried, and salted things so much is that my brain's preparing itself for the end of the world, when we have to live off those types of food. If I had to break my diet down into how much I consume of each food group, it'd be something like: meats(40%), fruits/veggies(25%), dairy(20%), grains(15%). I try to make it more balanced, but that seems to be how it turns out, on average. Whenever I get hungry, the first thing I'm in the mood to eat is meat. There would be no way I'd be able to be a vegetarian. I have nothing against anyone's dietary habits, obviously... to each their own. As long as what people do doesn't hurt anyone else, I really don't care. Everyone should live the way they want, and lead whatever lifestyle they want. Gay, straight, crooked, diagonal, sideways, forwards, backwards, blackwards, whitewards, Squidwards, Spongebob Squarepants, wait... what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, food. Woah, now this is what I call one heck of an opening paragraph. My main intention was to get you, the reader, to salivate, forcing you to go fetch your favourite food before reaching the end of it. If you haven't done so already, you might as well go now. In fact, why not get a beverage of your choosing as well? A beer, cup of coffee, freshly squeezed orange juice, nice tall glass of milk, whatever you prefer. It's up to you, but if you're having milk, and you have any of that chocolate syrup, you could always squeeze a little squirt of that in there too. Yup! Squeeze a little squirt! A little one! Just a teeny-tiny one! Yup! Or a big one, I suppose, depending on how chocolatey you want your milk to be. I'd only squeeze a little squirt in, myself, since I don't really like chocolate. If you do though, that's fine... like I said, to each their own. If you're into smoking pipes or cigars, or anything like that, you can always light one of those up too. See, I just want everyone to be comfortable, and in a good zone before reading. I'm not saying that, this time for any reason in particular, but why not? If you don't feel like reading it right now, save it for a time you are. If so though, cream up your coffee, and let's do this one together. I'll give everyone a sufficient amount of time to go get whatever food, beverage, or smoke you want, then we'll meet back here, okay? Don't worry, I'll wait for ya. Is 10-15 minutes enough time? Hopefully, cuz I'm itching to get this thing going, but I can't do it without all of you. I'm gonna make sure everyone's back after, what? Ten minutes? Fifteen? How bout twelve and a half then? If, after twelve and a half minutes, everyone isn't back here, I'm gonna continue without ya. Okay? Actually... I'll give ya fifteen. Fifteen minutes! But aim for ten. Aim for ten, and if you happen to go a few minutes over, that's okay, since I'm givin ya fifteen for extra leeway. Like, don't go planning to make a toasted sandwich that you know you won't be able to finish making in ten minutes or less. So, anything you'd have to fry up meat for, is probably a bad idea. A BLT... hmmm, it's possible. Bacon takes 7 or 8 minutes to cook, according to if you like it crispy or not. Ugh, should I just give ya twenty minutes then? Plus, you'd have to preheat the oven and all that, so... yeah. Twenty minutes. That'll give you enough time to get everything you need, even if you wanna make a BLT. So, meet me back here in twenty minutes, and I'll have a good blog entry for ya, okay?

Alright, is everyone ready? Cool, let's all hold hands and do this thing together then. In my previous entry, I started off describing how I found a spider in the bathtub as I was about to take a bath, and was going to discuss it further, but was unable to. Anyways, there were a few possible things I could've done upon finding the spider. I could've squished it in some toilet paper, took it outside and set it free, or washed it down the drain. I'm sure there were other options, but those were the top three choices that came to mind. Taking it outside would've required too much effort, considering I live in a basement apartment, and would've had to go out several doors, and a flight of stairs just to make it out there. I thought about just killing it, cuz... well, why not? It's just a spider, and I'm a mighty human being, so why should I care? Then I remembered how much I despise insects, so I decided against killing it. That leaves us with the option of washing it down the drain, which is indeed what I ended up doing. Now, I'm not sure what would happen to a spider that was forced down the drain via running water. Maybe it'd end up dying anyways, I don't know. But at least I gave it the best chance of survival I could, without allowing it to inconvenience me that greatly. I mean, ethics are great and all, but you have to draw the line somewhere. I can't very well take every bug I find, safely outside and set it free; that'd be insane. Plus, I'm sure we all step on several bugs throughout the course of a day without even noticing, and it would be impossible to avoid doing so. I'm not going to make the effort to step over a bug if I happen to see it, if it means putting myself or others in danger. It's like, if you're driving, and a small animal runs out in front of you, but there's also another car coming from the opposite direction. Sometimes you have to sacrifice the animal, instead of swerving and putting yourself and other people at risk.

I don't like the thought of that, since I love animals (especially domesticated ones), and would be sad if that were to happen to one of my cats. Isn't it weird how cats and dogs always got along fine in the wild, but now, most domesticated ones wouldn't be able to survive without our assistance? It makes me wonder if humans have become domesticated as well. We're definitely not the same creatures we were back in the day. And this time when I say "back in the day", I mean, like, thousands of years ago. Could the reason we've evolved so rapidly lately be due to the fact that we're somehow being 'domesticated' by a more advanced species? Perhaps they're using us as their 'pets', much like we do with cats and dogs. Although, domesticated animals are aware of our presence, I suppose. I hate to go back to spiders, but what about people who keep tarantulas as pets, for example? Or scorpions, even. How aware are they of our presence, other than knowing to instinctively bite/sting us when threatened? Maybe the difference between 2011 'domesticated humans' and our 'owners' is more like that of an arachnid as compared to us. We might have a slight awareness of their presence, but are unable to fully perceive or comprehend it. I'm just throwin it out there... ya never know.

Realistically, if aliens do exist, chances are, their sole purpose wouldn't be to selflessly protect/help us. I'm not saying none of them are benevolent, but why would any species do something if there was nothing in it for them? Every species we know of (including us) is motivated by self-fulfillment. Sure, we have compassion for others, but our actions are driven by the desire to satisfy ourselves. That doesn't mean that selfless actions don't exist, but on an overall level, living things wanna know what's in it for them. We've domesticated animals as pets to use for protection, companionship, and things of that nature. We didn't just do it for the hell of it. So, assuming what I said is true, why would a more advanced species want to 'tame' us? What could they be getting out of it? Some of the same things, maybe? If so, how do they use us for protection? I understand the 'companionship' part, since we use goldfish that way, without them being aware of our presence. If we fail to feed them, or change their water, they die, and aren't even aware it's our fault, or that we even exist. Yet, we're the ones that put em in a goddamn fishbowl! Of course, there are neglectful and/or abusive pet owners, so logically, one would have to believe that if we have owners, some of them would have to be as well. Also, it would make sense that there are multiple types of lifeforms out there, in various stages of advancement, with lots of different intentions. Some of them probably wouldn't bother with humanity at all, if we: a) pose no threat, or b) serve no purpose, to them. However, I can understand some lesser-advanced extra terrestrial life being interested in us. They could have advantages over humans in certain areas that allow them to be involved with us, while keeping us oblivious to it. At the same time, we could even have some advantages over them in certain areas as well, which would be why they'd be interested in the first place.

Let's say your pet has some type of parasite, like worms. These worms aren't aware that they're inside of an animal's asshole, living off its anal juices, or whatever. They just exist, and do what they do. What if we were to die somehow, making us unable to care for our pet, causing them to die, which, in turn, also kills the pinworms? Talk about a chain reaction. Would it be possible for humans to die due to being neglected by our 'caretakers'? And if so, in what way? We'd probably be unable to completely comprehend neglect/abuse from them, since we aren't advanced enough. Then, you have to take into account that the ones above us more than likely have ones above them, and so on... which probably continues infinitely. I often think about these types of topics, to the point where it blows my brain apart. Then I put it back together, only to blow it apart again. I've come to terms with the fact that there's no way to understand the way everything works, or why we even exist, given the limited ability of our brains, but still. That's not gonna stop me from pondering the unknown.

I'm just gonna discuss an original theory of mine (which has probably already been thought of by someone, somewhere, but I did come up with it on my own), then I'll move onto something more fun. Let's say every species were created from a more omnipotent one above them, all the way to the most advanced/complete thing you can possibly perceive. Okay, well the most advanced thing must be everyone's reality, experiences, potential, in this dimension and every other. The most advanced lifeform is the universe itself. I'm shortening this down, mainly because I'm afraid I won't hold the readers' attention span. I have a more expanded version written out of this theory, and have thought about it a lot. To summarize, when you get right down to it, the big question would be "how did the most omnipotent existence get created to begin with, if it is, by definition, 'everything'?" I'm still trying to figure out how to write this theory in a way that'll blow every one of your skulls to pieces, without boring you to death, so I'll unleash the fury in full detail during my next entry, haha. Plus, discussing these types of things is fairly draining. But, it entails sending positivity, and genuine energies to even the simplest of creatures, with the knowledge you'll get the exact same thing back in return, cyclically, by some means or another. It would have to apply to the most advanced, all the way to the least advanced, in order for my theory to be true.

I sincerely believe it's true though, and if it is, reality is more beautiful than anyone could ever imagine. As the future unfolds, and more things become evident to the general public, the more people will realise how unrestrained our minds and souls should be, as compared to how slave-oriented we are now. This existence is extraordinary; every existence is. The more things become exposed, the more liberation humanity will feel, thus making us more comfortable just being us. No more, no less. Let's just be human beings, okay? Let plants be plants, fish be fish... everything be everything. It's natural to desire something greater, yes. However, why not enjoy the ride within the being we've been blessed to be?

To anyone reading this: there are lots of negative things in everyone's lives they wish weren't there, mine included. For example, maybe you're unable to get around without the assistance of a wheelchair. It's possible that someone could be reading this from prison, at some point in the future. If so, don't give up on yourself. I cannot stress this enough. I'm actually being serious right now, although anything I say is probably taken as sarcasm at this point, but that's fine. To those who can read vibes, yes, I'm definitely being genuine. The way things are structured, there's always something that the universe creates, in order to give all living things a sense of pure reason. You could be deaf, blind (reading this in braille), suffering from some form of mental disability... it doesn't make any difference. You have the strength, trust me. Someone could be pulling out their cheap, secondhand iPhone 7, sometime in the year 2024, in a ditch, ready to kill themselves. The very last thing they see on the screen could be this blog entry... this line... this sentence. And if so (even if you don't fit that very specific description), I promise you, there is hope out there. Find your reason for existing, and don't let go of it. There are some things I'm not allowed to write about, which is frustrating, but the real reality isn't as grim as they want people to believe. They have their reasons for manipulating us into being suspicious, and I am in no way going against the policies of how the Powers That Be want things to go, but, alls I can tell you is, do not give up hope.

Alright, something fun, something fun... well, one thing that isn't fun is writer's block. Usually, if I have something to get out, writing comes easier, whereas when I'm happy/content, it's difficult to think of something to vent about. Once I get going though, I can usually keep things rolling, so don't worry about it. Hmm, am I talking to the reader, or myself now? Hahaha, actually, you wanna know something funny (but absolutely true)? I always talk to myself, usually under my breath so no one can hear me, but sometimes it reaches a slight whisper. If I'm doing it as I walk down the street, and I suspect someone notices, I try to disguise it as something else, like I'm just stretching my lips or something. Anyways, the funny part is, I always consider myself to be "us" or "we". Instead of saying "I have to do (whatever)", I'll say "we have to do (whatever)". Like, "ugh, we've already been in this store, and people are lookin at us suspiciously! Oh well, let's just go to the frozen food section." As if I'm several people all in one, or something. I usually don't consciously think about it, it just happens automatically. And I guess, in some ways, I do consider myself to be multiple versions of me, in the same body. I just don't think of it as a big deal. I'm so used to it, at this point, it just seems normal. I don't think I have multiple personality disorder (I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia, but those are two separate disorders), since I don't function under only one at a time. It's more like they're all there together, all at once. Sometimes, I'm more of one fragment of myself than another, and sometimes it's pretty even. The thing is though, everyone's probably like that, so I don't think of it as anything abnormal or weird. It could be true that I'm just more in-tune to myself than most people, and I don't have any mental disorders at all. It's possible that my perception of reality is more realistic than most people, and the world hasn't caught up to me yet, haha. Seriously though, egos aside, I don't think I'm much different than anyone else. I'm actually pretty average in a lot of ways. Plus, I feel inferior when it comes to many aspects of life. Ah ha, here we go... let's do a humble paragraph, where I deflate the balloon known as my ego, while being honest at the same time. Kinda like the opposite of my 'Super-God' character on Twitter. It'll feel good to let that out.

If my ego were a balloon, it would be a hot-air balloon at times, since I'm usually full of hot air. Ha! See what I did there? I'm the most creative guy in the history of... oh yeah, humble. See? I fucked it up already, that's how pathetic I am. Honestly though, I do think about my weaknesses a fair amount, especially when I'm out in public. Sometimes I'll be walking somewhere, and I'll over-analyze everything I do, cuz I don't wanna look stupid. In reality, nobody's even looking at me, let alone judging me, but in my mind, the entire world is. I can tell my confidence is low, just based on my behaviour and body language. I could be crossing the street, and when I look at my shadow on the ground, I'll think to myself "what a pussy". Rofl, I'm actually not kidding when I say that. I'm not asking for sympathy or anything, I'm just being honest, and trying to make it seem as dumb as possible, so I'll just get over it. I do act tough at times, but deep down, I'm sure it's just my way of covering up my insecurities. But again... lots of people are probably the same way. I may come off as thinking I'm superior to everyone else, when the truth is, I think of myself as inferior. If I see a group of people I don't know hanging out, having fun, laughing, and what-not, that intimidates me. Being social definitely isn't my strong point, although once I get to know someone, I'm fine. During the Wintersleep concert this Summer, the bar they played in was packed, and even though I had a decent amount of alcohol in my system by the time I got there, I was still somewhat nervous. As they were playing, and everyone was rocking out, there were a few attractive girls within my vicinity, and one beside me kept making physical contact with me. Instead of soaking it in, and/or getting pleasure from it, I'd move slightly away from her. It kept happening, and I kept inching away. Like, what the fuck's wrong with me? Am I broken?? Jesus Christ. Anyways, I eventually stopped resisting, and tried to enjoy it, but it felt awkward. I'm not sure if she was doing it on purpose, or if it was just because we were packed in so tightly. It was probably the latter, although I'd like to think it was the former. I eventually had to go get another beer, and when I came back, she was gone. It's not like I'd have a chance to get to know someone like that anyways, but that's probably most of my problem; I don't believe in myself. In my mind, everyone's out of my league. One of these days, when a homeless woman asks me for spare change, I'll be tempted to say "Me, you, behind that dumpster. Ten bucks." And even then, I'll be thinking my cock's not worthy of her toothless mouth.

I obviously don't mean any offence to homeless people (I'm just a few steps above that status, myself), but I feel obligated to at least attempt to be entertaining. It was a joke, in other words. As offensive as some of the things are that I write, I genuinely don't want to hurt anyone. Offend? Maybe a little bit. But not hurt. As long as it gets people's brains working, and causes them to think about things in ways they otherwise might not have, it's okay for them to be offended. If nobody got offended over anything, people wouldn't be provoked to express themselves creatively. I don't get offended easily, but when I do, it inspires me. Lots of my most inspired moments have been when something's on my mind, or something's bothering me. When that happens, you're forced to be honest with yourself, and get it out somehow. If you're a passionate fisherman, you release it by fishing. If you're a passionate yoga instructor, yoga is your release. If you're passionate about what you do for a living, no matter what it is, you're able to live your life to its fullest potential, and I respect that. Not only do I respect it, but I envy it. If only, someday, I could be involved in a career that I'm passionate about, that's all I want. It doesn't matter how much I get paid, as long as I'm able to live comfortably. It could end up being a writer for a cheap comic strip in a newspaper, as long as I'm happy with my job. That's what everyone should aim for, instead of making money their top priority. No need to be greedy, just be thankful you're able to do what you love for a living, without striving to be rich. If you have a job you don't like doing, but have to do it anyways, just to support yourself... that sucks. The world shouldn't be that way, in my opinion. There are different ways to make things work, without forcing people into what I'd call 'slavery'. When you are forced to do something every day that you hate doing, that's slavery. Mom moved out west to British Columbia this Summer, for work, and now lives there. I support that all the way. I have a feeling my opinions are often misinterpreted, but I'm against the system, not the workers themselves. As I said, things could be different. I know there are mundane, horrible jobs that someone has to do, in order to keep things running smoothly, but it could work. I'll discuss ways in which a society could be better, as well as some theories about the ones in control, in my next blog entry. But for now... I just want people to know that I have nothing against people having jobs, and working. That's obviously what I'm attempting to do by going back to school for the first time in 10 years. Despite what I have said/will say on Twitter, I'm not against the 'worker sheep', haha. Besides, it's the government's fault anyways.

Speaking of Twitter, here are the rules for the things I tweet: (none). I do have lines that I won't cross, especially when it comes to what I say in @ mentions, etc, but when it comes to what I tweet on my own page... anything goes (within the boundaries of my own conscience). Believe it or not, I have quite of a big conscience. I've always said, I just want to supply people with entertainment on there. I know a decent amount of people probably click on over to my page once in a while, and that's fine. The thing is, at one point, I only had a few readers, and I don't wanna change my style of tweeting. This all sounds very pointless, "change my style of tweeting", as if Twitter's important anyways. But it is what it is... any medium that allows you to express yourself is fairly important for someone with a creative mind, and/or over-active imagination. I used to do this thing a couple of years ago on Twitter known as #unfollowthursday, where I'd tweet anything I could, to get down to a certain amount of followers without 'cheating', by blocking them. I recently did that type of thing again, just because I wanted to stay true to my style. It's like when a good punk rock band gets more listeners, then changes their style to please the masses... I don't wanna sell-out!

Without a doubt, the band that got me into punk rock, and the punk style have been Green Day. I know some people would think that's pathetic, since they're technically a pop-punk band, but for one, I didn't grow up in the 70s and 80s when punk rock was a huge underground thing, and two, I'm just being honest. In junior high school, I became a big fan of Green Day's music, and that lead me to other punk bands. I was really drawn to punk ethics as well, and how the label could be defined. I wrote several things about this during high school, and came to the conclusion that it's more of a mentality, than a style. It's not about doing what's already been defined as being 'punk', but rather doing what you feel is the right thing, and being yourself. Yes, it's supposed to be anti-establishment, non commercial, low budget, all those things... but just because a band signs to a major label and starts making lots of money, doesn't mean they're no longer a real punk band. As long as they don't change their style. Yes, they're allowed to evolve, mature, and get better in time, as long as they don't sellout on what made them great originally. I think the 'Green Day: Behind The Music' that aired on VH1 in 2001 articulated that point quite well. Also, sometimes it's important to not be afraid of being an individual, and not worry about labels, or where you 'fit in'. When you think about it, how silly is that? Why do we always have to put stuff into categories? Probably because it helps us organize things, and simplifies our perspectives. If something's good, it's good. Why always categorize things, and place em in little boxes, forcing them to obey certain criteria to fit inside the box you put em in to begin with? Like, ohh there's a round hole, you need a round block for that. Well, fuck you! I'm gonna force a square one in there, how do ya like that one? ...Won't fit? Too bad! I'll take the top off then, and throw em all in there, just to piss you off!

So whaddaya think? Decent? Pretty good? Coulda been better? Shitty as fuck? I dunno, but I think we're nearing the end, until next time. I guess we can stop holding hands at this point, but not because I want to. Someday, we might even get to play Ring Around The Rosey. But, for now... I must be going. I start my class at Dalhousie in just over 24hrs, and yes, I have the nads to write about it in a blog. I say this because if I end up not being able to do it, dropping it, or failing, it'll be written here to slap me in the face in the future. Like, ha! You wrote about how you were planning to take this course, and what did you end up doing?? You failed it!! Bahaha, you little bitch! You know, that sorta thing. But, oh well... I'm not afraid of failure. I'm willing to do the best I can at it *cue corny, dramatic music*, and if I fail, at least I'll know I gave it everything I had. Afterall, what would life be without taking risks? How can you succeed, if you don't pursue your goals without being afraid to fall short? Sometimes it isn't the destination that's the most fulfilling, but the journey itself. It's not always the successes that make life beautiful, but often times, the struggles. *end corny, dramatic music* Okay, I'm done. And as corny as all that sounded, by the way, I wasn't completely joking. I had to structure it as somewhat of a joke though, or else I'd sound like an over-sensitive little pansy... and nobody wants that.

Up The Spout Again (July 29/11)

2011-07-29T19:38:00.000-07:00

Before beginning to write this blog entry, I felt the need to organize my thoughts with a nice, warm bath. As I was about to run the water, however, I noticed that something was already occupying the tub in which I planned to submerge my nude body in. Something alive, no less. If you were to assume that the living creature was another human being, you'd be wrong. Ah, it was a cat, right? Brrrmmmp... guess again! Some type of plant? Weed, maybe? Nope. Although, drying weed in the tub wouldn't necessarily be a bad idea (not that I grow/dry weed to begin with). Ohh, just tell us already! Hold on there, readers, patience is indeed an important virtue. Besides, given the title of this blog, most of you probably figured it out by the end of the second sentence. You did, didn't you? Fuck off, I was just trying to give you a dramatic build-up. Whatever... yes, it was a spider. Maybe I shoulda named this article something else, just so it wouldn't've spoiled the suspense. Ugh, now I'm not even in the mood to make the point I was gonna make. Thanks a lot, assholes.

Switching gears altogether then, why not talk about some current events, just to inject the July 2011 pop-culture identity to this thing. Okay, let's see... ummm, Casey Anthony, Anthony Weiner, wiener online. There, that pretty well sums it up. Oh, and NASA ended their shuttle program! Holy crap! So now, from what I understand, that changes... nothing, really. Big friggin whoop, when you think about it. The Russians still have their space program, and Canada still does some shit, I think (as if Canada matters), so... humanity's eventually gonna end up making it to neighbouring celestial bodies anyways, right? Too bad that won't happen by 2012 though, since the world's gonna blow up. Bahaha, I'm not comfortable writing about factual current events, since I don't wanna get anything wrong and end up looking like an idiot. But when it comes to making fun of religion, or absurd theories like 'end of the world' nonsense, I feel right at home. Take my Rapture-themed blog in May, for example. Thank the almighty lord above that I got it out a day before this year's end of the world. I can only pray I'll be able to do the same next December. Hopefully by then though, more people will have taken 'the mark' ;-)

Back before the year 2000, people were saying the world was going to end then as well. Either that, or everything computerized was supposed to shut down, causing global chaos. I had a website back then, and wrote monthly articles (much like these blogs) called "The Cellulose". I also had other things on the site, some quite controversial, and it eventually got me expelled from school in grade 12. I'm not making this up. Even though I never worked on (or went on) the site while at school, and it was a personal site... I wasn't allowed to return until I took it down. At first, I was stubborn about it, since I felt it was a breach of my freedom of expression. I even fought it for a while, and tried to appeal it, to no avail. I probably would've had a case if they were to give me a full year suspension, but instead, they kicked me out for 5 days at a time. After 5 days passed, if my site still wasn't removed, I'd get an immediate 5 more days. They only did this because any suspensions 5 days or less were unable to be appealed to the school board. If they were to have kicked me out for the entire year, for example, I could've appealed it, and I would have won. I know I would have, since I wasn't doing anything wrong, nor breaking any laws. So, they gave me a full year suspension, but just chopped it up into perpetual 5 day ones, until the end of the year, or until I deleted my site. This pissed me off to no end, and I refused to comply for a few months. That's right, I missed over 2 months of my grade 12 year, due to the fact that the ones in charge were jealous of my intelligence and creativity. Even thinking about it now brings me back to how I felt then, and how unfair that was. At least I got to sit home and play Secret Of Mana (awesome game), and sleep. I didn't drink or smoke weed at all back then, so I didn't have that option, unfortunately, haha. I still did the school work, I just wasn't allowed to actually enter the property. Like, oooo, big bad dangerous me. Look out, or I'll stab you with my WEBSITE!! Shit. I wasn't gonna name any names, and I don't like to hold grudges, but... I've gotta do it. It'll make me feel so good inside to get this out of my system, knowing it's posted online, and there's nothing he can do about it at this point.

My principal's name was Mr Buckland... that's his real name, by the way. I know, what a stupid name, right? Well, I can guarantee you everything about him was just as stupid. Wait, why am I using past tense? Assuming he's still alive (he was pretty fucking fat, so he may have died by now, due to high cholesterol), chances are, he's even more dumb than he was back then. That was almost 10 years ago, so I can't see him miraculously developing a brain cell between now and then. He always found the most unfair reasons to suspend me. Once for rolling down a hill to "get attention" during lunch-hour break (how is that against the rules?), and another time for "injuring a teacher". Hahaha, hilarious, isn't it? This is all 100% true too, which makes it even funnier. During our school's 'Red & Grey Day' (a day containing outdoor activities, with no classes), I had a water balloon containing air. There was a rule that said no water balloons were allowed, since some people might not have a change of clothes, and wouldn't want to get wet. One of the teachers thought the balloon had water in it, so she told me to give it to her. Instead, I popped the balloon, to prove to her that it held air, rather than water. She didn't like the fact that I fooled her, so she claimed that I "popped her eardrum", and went to the hospital. Meanwhile, I was handed a 5 day suspension, and a note on my permanent records stating that I "injured a teacher". Give me a break. I was one of the top students all throughout high school, academically, yet I was getting kicked out more than the ones that were failing and causing real trouble. It's not ego when I say Mr Buckland was jealous of me. It was obvious to lots of people, some teachers included. Most teachers seemed to like me, a few loved me (mainly English teachers), but Buckland hated me. I can handle haters, trust me, I'm used to it, but when it happens to be the principal of your high school, it makes things fairly difficult. Anyways, Buckland, if you're reading this, at any point of time in the future... fuck you. You fat piece of shit. Go take the black can of spray paint that you'd use to spray on your fake hair every morning, wedge it slightly inside of your pussy, and spray. Spray, spray, spray. Keep sprayin, and don't stop sprayin until you get some type of vaginal infection that renders you infertile. I was actually just about to call you a 'faggot' on top of all that, but I think that'll suffice. Plus, I wouldn't want to send the wrong message to people, and have them think I'm homophobic.

It sucks that the words 'faggot' and 'nigger' can't be used without containing a sexual or racial connotation. I actually discussed this in one of my monthly Cellulose articles on my site back then, entitled "Nigger". Even as a 17 year old, it was tasteful (though controversial). One of the points I made about that word is that it's a cheap way to be edgy, and compared it to how girls show their tits on programs like Jerry Springer to get a reaction. Easy to do, but very little skill involved. Not only that, but they're dangerous words to use. If you attach 'nigger' to all black people, or use 'faggot' exclusively to describe gay people, that is beyond wrong. I have actually heard this done though, in real life, and it offends me. It disappoints me, even. I'm pretty much as far from a racist or homophobe as you can get, so to know some people still actually think like that, borderline disgusts me. Yes, all races are different. Anyone who says there's no difference between Whites and Blacks, aside from skin colour, are full of shit. But that doesn't mean we're not equal. Using a word like 'nigger' to segregate a race is disrespectful, hurtful, and is the opposite of what I want to convey on the rare occasion that I choose to use them. I know, I know... why not just refrain from using them altogether? Why use the words 'nigger' and 'faggot' if there's such a huge risk of people interpreting your use of them in the wrong way? For me, it's an issue of like, who the eff is anyone to tell me what I can and cannot say, type thing. They're just sounds emanating from your larynx, passing through various movements of your tongue, until they exit your mouth. For example... put your tongue on the roof of your mouth. Start making a sound with your larynx. Maintain that sound, while removing your tongue. Now, squeeze your throat muscles together, preventing air from being able to pass through, and in one swift motion, release them, while maintaining the original sound. Finally, end that sound with the slight clenching of the teeth. There. Congratulations, you've just said the word 'nigger', without giving it a racial context. In other words, you used it without implying that all black people are stupid faggots, haha.

I have a theory that everyone is bisexual. In my opinion, there is no such thing as someone that's 100% straight. However, that also means that there's no one that's 100% gay. That's right, I said it. No human being on the face of this planet is gay. Homosexuality doesn't exist, in other words. What I'm saying right now is probably pissing off a bunch of people, but it shouldn't. The way I see it is that we all contain different percentages of heterosexuality/homosexuality, and none of us are 0%/100% straight or gay. For instance, someone who might think they're totally straight could be 95% hetero/5% homo. On the flip side of the coin, however, someone who might think they're totally gay could be 5% hetero/95% homo. We're all bisexual, to different degrees. I could be wrong, but this is a theory of mine, plus it's my blog, so I have the right to explain myself... I'm not forcing you to agree. As a matter of fact, I'm not forcing you to read any of this, so if you're being rubbed the wrong way, you have the freedom to click the 'close' button up in the top right corner of the screen. Anyways, having said that, I think I'm about a 85/15 on the hetero/homo scale. I'm so comfortable with my sexuality, that I'm willing to be honest with not only myself, but to everyone else. Am I sexually attracted to other males? No. Have I ever got drunk, watched gay porn, and been turned on by it? No. Actually... now that I mention it... maybe I have a few times. Okay, fine... yes. I'm sure lots of people have. I bet 'gay' people have also been aroused by straight porn at some point in their lives as well. Instead of pigeonholing yourself into categories (like society programs you to do), why not just be honest with yourself? If you're reading this, and are still convinced that you're 100% straight, maybe you're homophobic. You fear the concept of not only others of the same sex being attracted to you, but also of you being attracted to others of the same sex. I'm definitely not trying to convert people one way or the other, I'm merely stating that we're all bisexual. Maybe that's why the use of the word 'faggot' offends me so much when it's used to shun homosexuality. When it's used in ways that have nothing to do with sexual preference (ie: calling your toaster a 'faggot' for burning your toast), it diminishes the homophobic meaning of the word. The syllables exists, the word exists (we can't erase it), so why not give it a different meaning than it was originally created for? Actually, if you wanna get technical, the word 'faggot' is an archaic unit of measurement for bundles of sticks. So, why not bring it back to that? Plus, in Europe, the word 'fag' means cigarette. Come on, people... don't get fired up over these powerful mind-controlling words. Just be careful not to throw your fag on a faggot though, or things really might get fired up, in more ways than one.

Ugh, all this talk of fags has got me craving a cigarette. I am proud to admit though, that I've cut back on smoking quite a bit lately. Not just cigarettes, but weed as well. I used to think marijuana was perfect in every way, and there was no such thing as smoking 'too much'. In my mind, the pros were 100% and the cons, 0%. Recently, I've come to terms with the fact that that isn't true [Sidenote: I remember learning that if two identical words appear side-by-side in a sentence, you're supposed to separate em with a comma. Is that true? If so, it just doesn't look right, so I'm not gonna go through with it. Take that, "that that"!]. Anyways, weed isn't perfect. It has disadvantages as well as advantages. The positives definitely outweigh the negatives, in my opinion, but that still doesn't mean it's a flawless drug. It does help me see things from various perspectives I otherwise wouldn't be able to perceive. If I have a problem or dilemma, I find marijuana is excellent for allowing you to remove yourself from the situation you're in, and view it from a neutral perspective. It's also great to use while attempting to write something creative. Alcohol helps with that too, but in a more reckless, sometimes self-destructive way. However, despite the many advantages of using marijuana, there indeed are some disadvantages. I always used to deny that it was an addictive drug. Like, "nooo, it isn't a drug, it's an herb! And it's not addictive at all! Plus, it's healthy!" Even though I still believe it's healthy (to an extent), I've lowered my level of stubbornness, and will now admit it's a drug. Anything that changes the way your brain works is a drug. Simple. And THC changes the way your brain works, so... it's a drug! I don't see how I justified it not being one in the past. Plus, it's addictive. If something alters the functionality of your mind, it has the potential to be addictive. The thing is, everything has the potential to be addictive though. Anything that brings you pleasure, even things that aren't drugs, can become addictive (or habit-forming). I guess 'habit-forming' would be a better label to put on weed however, since the physical withdrawal symptoms are very slight, if not completely non-existent. I've gone from smoking heavy, to completely abstaining for a week (during trips to the psych ward, where no drugs or alcohol were allowed), while suffering very few withdrawal symptoms. The only noticeable ones were a slight lack of appetite, and being unable to sleep as well as I normally would. Well, "normally", as in... stoned, haha. Like I said though, I've cut back a lot recently. I smoke about 1/4 of the amount I used to, mainly due to financial reasons. When I have a lot, I tend to smoke more (naturally), but having to go without at times is a good thing, in my opinion. If I run out, I tend to find other things to satisfy the psychological addiction that the weed assuages. It's kinda weird how that happens. Like, it doesn't necessarily have to be substituted with another drug; it could be anything, really. At the end of last month when I ran out of money and weed, I found myself taking lots of baths (some lasting for hours). It was as if I used that to make up for my lack of herb. I think they would call that a 'crutch'. I'm the type of person that needs crutches to help me through reality, I guess. I wish I didn't, but it's true. Eventually, I hope to completely give up cigarettes, and keep my marijuana usage at about 1 to 2 g's per week, on average. Of course, I always end up smoking more when I'm drinking, but all smokers tend to.

The main thing that I'd put in the marijuana 'disadvantage' column would be the paranoia. That's something else I always used to deny - that it can make you paranoid. It doesn't happen all the time (many elements go into how weed affects you), but overall, I'm less confident when I'm high in public places, especially in the city. One could argue that I'm paranoid enough without weed, so why even bother adding that to my brain chemistry? Ironically enough though, sometimes when I get high, it helps me dissect the reasons as to why I'm paranoid to begin with, and makes me realize some of the reasons I'm paranoid are justified. Although, some could say that's an even deeper level of paranoia. Gah! The effects of alcohol are pretty much the opposite of weed, I find. If I'm in a place where they're serving booze, it definitely makes me more confident. I just wish it wasn't so damned expensive to buy liquor in bars, etc. The thing is though, if I drink a bit before going to a place where alcohol isn't acceptable, it lowers my confidence, rather than boosting it, since I'm worried about others knowing I've been drinking. So, I've found that the best way to go out and deal with the outside world is being totally sober. It's okay to drink/puff herb once you're in a place where others are doing the same, but if you're alone before you leave, it's not as affective. Although, that's just me... everyone's different.

As I discussed in 'Drug Of Choice', alcohol is the most harmful drug I'll ever do. Having thought about it though, I could argue that the anti-psychotics the doctors had me on for a few years were more harmful than alcohol. Not only did I gain over 50lbs, but I was like a zombie. I don't mean that in the pop-culture sense (I'm not familiar with the meaning of those type of zombies anyway), but more in the physical/mental/spiritual numbness sense. I mainly stayed on them for my g/f at the time, since I was quite out of control while unmedicated, and that was unfair to her. After we broke up though, I made the decision to stop taking them. It was a tough choice, since they made me more mentally stable, but they were also killing me. After doing research online about them (Zyprexa), I found out that people were actually dying from this shit. Another huge disadvantage of taking them, was that they blocked out pretty much all creative thoughts. That's useful when you have an over-active imagination, and some of those thoughts are bad... but what about when you want to go a little crazy? There's nothing more frustrating than trying to conjure up some insanity, and being unable to, haha. Seriously though, it just doesn't seem natural to be in autopilot. The pills also drastically reduced my sex drive, which was frustrating at the time. Overall, I'm glad I don't take them now. Sure, there are things that it helped me with, as a schizophrenic, but you have to take the good with the bad, I guess. I'm gonna try to go through the rest of my life without anti-psychotics. Besides, I'm way more stable now than I was a few years ago. I've been trying to channel my psychosis in a more healthy way, like making it seem entertaining, rather than threatening. I'm pretty comfortable with my condition at this point. I realize that some of the ways I perceive reality may be a bit twisted, but that's okay. As long as I'm able to enjoy it, and not pose a threat to myself or others, I welcome it. Afterall, some people say there's a fine-line between genius & insanity, and I like to think I jump back & forth across the line rather affectively.

I'm undeniably a trend-setter in lots of ways, as well as a complete original. Yes, I'm inspired by others, but some of the ones I'm inspired by have also been inspired by me. That's the way it's all worked out though... for life to be one big mutual dance. Kinda like a jig. A jig, as in the kind of dance, not the slang word for sex. On second thought, it's kinda like both. We're all a part of the same overall energy, only split up into different life-forms. This is a theory that's been explored by lots of people before I was even born, but during moments of clarity, my instincts tell me that this is indeed very true. We're all jigging each other, for the sake of continuing on, and expanding our overall essence, like one big orgy. Some like it in the ass, some like it down the throat, and some simply like the missionary position. However, some are content with just sitting in the corner and stroking themselves, while not realizing they're also a part of the orgy. I like to mix it up.

Right now, I'm going to figuratively sit in the corner and stroke myself, as I bring up a Twitter trend that I feel I made popular. Maybe I wasn't the very first person to ever do this, but I was definitely one of the first, and now it seems as if everyone does it. Back when I first joined Twitter, clickable hashtags didn't exist. The concept was there, but it was still in its infancy. As a way to kind of mock the idea, I would use the # symbol, followed by words that weren't intended to start a trend or be searched. For example, I might make a tweet like: "Well, today was a good day, even though I got sunburnt. #sunscreenistooexpensive". Chances are, nobody else would use or search that particular hashtag, which is what they were originally created for. At this point, almost everyone uses hashtags in that type of context, and it's now become its own thing. When you think about it, there's no non-Twitter substitution for writing something that holds the same meaning. Sometimes I'll find myself writing something outside of Twitter, and be tempted to use a hashtag, just because there's no other way to accurately express myself without it. You could use brackets instead, but it doesn't have the same feel to it, nor does it convey the same meaning. Eventually, the English language is gonna have to add that to its vernacular, haha. It's kinda like when you try to write a sentence with a lighthearted tone, without using "lol" or "haha", it becomes difficult. I'm more of a "haha" guy, but that's beside the point. Anyways, it's weird how things like that can be created, and once you get used to using them, they become irreplaceable. #nowthatsfuckedup

I'm not the type of person to jump on trends when they become popular, then jump off the bandwagon when the popularity wanes. I'm pretty loyal in lots of ways. I'm also good at making what I like seem captivating to others. Sometimes I feel as if I could get people to like actual pieces of shit, if I were to make em seem appealing... kinda like what Popeye did with spinach, haha. I'm not, by any means, trying to take credit for anyone else's hard work (nor am I implying that the things I like are gross), but that I'm just good at 'selling' things to people. I would make a good salesman, but I'd rather be a writer of some sort. I'm undoubtedly a very influential person, and if I could write some type of a book that might end up changing the world for the better somehow, that'd be a dream come true. And no, I'm not thinking of a Bible of any sort. Although... Hmmm... [joke]. I also feel the responsibility to send energy towards things that have helped shaped me into the individual I am today. Like, the planet Earth, as a whole, and everyone in it. There are no such thing as bad people, it's their actions that make them bad. Everyone is capable of change. Okay, now I'm starting to sound like Oprah or something. Anyways, when I say "send energy", it's just something I do that we are all capable of. I seem to be really good at it, but since it's sometimes sacrificial, and I have plenty of weaknesses as a person, I don't consider it an unfair advantage, haha. So, there ya go... FEEL THE ENERGY!! It's my way of giving thanks.

Aaaaand, here we have it. That's probably enough for now. I have a lot more topics in mind to explore, but I don't wanna make this one too long, cuz then I'll be setting the bar too high for the next one. I feel pretty satisfied with how it all came together, and think it's pretty solid. I'm trying to inject as much positivity as possible into this paragraph, since I'm in that kind of mood right now. How should I do that affectively though? Oh wait, now I've over-thought it, and it's gonna make me try too hard. Shit, see? I'm trying too hard to not try too hard, which is, by definition, trying too hard. I better just shut the fuck up now, right? NEVER!! Mwaaahahahaha!! Waaaahhoooo!! Not I'm nottrying to o haradnowyouhkbunrchrhaaxqohdgfkphtt!!!!!!! ...AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *picks up a steak-knife* I'm gonna stick this directly through my goddamn chest, you worthless pieces of FUCK!!! *puts steak-knife down* Just kidding! I love you all! ...And I would never kill myself. I'm too narcissistic to commit suicide, right? ...RIGHT??? *shoots self in the temple with a 44 caliber rifle* Oh, that's not possible, is it? Well, if it was, then that's what I did.

Since it's been over two months since my last blog entry (due to having a non-functional computer for so long), and I like to stay on pace with roughly one per month, expect another one sooner rather than later. This weekend, I'm going to a Wintersleep concert in Dartmouth, so I won't have a chance to work on the coming one until at least next week, but I promise the space between won't be nearly as big as it was this time. The last concert I went to in that location was on Canada Day for The Trews. They're a good band and all, but I like Wintersleep a lot more. I'll be going alone, but I went alone to The Trews concert, and ended up meeting old friends, which was a pleasant surprise. I hadn't seen one of them in a few years, so it was good to converse, and catch up on each others' lives since we last hung out. We practically used to live together as teenagers, and had so many good times in the past, that it made my night complete to spend a couple hours with them. I doubt I'll end up meeting anyone at the Wintersleep concert that I know, since I don't think any of my past, nor current (what few I have), friend are planning to go. So, dear future friends... BE THERE!! Waahaha, I'm pathetic, aren't I? Anyways, the guy I hadn't seen in ages (don't like to give names since I try to keep my personal life somewhat separated from online stuff) had changed his looks so much, I barely even recognized him. It's odd how stuff like that happens. The thing is though, people don't notice their own changes, since we spend every waking hour with ourselves. However, if we were to look at old photos of us, we're like "yeah... I've changed quite a bit". When I look in the mirror now, I still see the same guy I've saw for the last 27 years, since the growth is so gradual. I honestly don't consider myself to be a "man". Age-wise, I am, but in my mind... I'm still the same boy I've always been. Some people my age might be offended to be labelled a "boy", but I proudly give myself that label, as "man" just doesn't seem right. I don't wanna grow up too fast, so screw other people in their mid-20s who insist on being called a "man". Fuck that. Like the commercial goes, "I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid!", haha. Plus, being a man is far less fun than just being yourself. Since lots of my personality traits are fairly juvenile, I embrace my childishness, and always have. Even in high school, while some people were concerned about feeling, and acting "mature", I was shitting in paper plates in the washroom, and taking pictures of it. I think I was the first student from that school to have blue hair in their grad photo, and have had every kind of mohawk you can imagine over the years. From what I can tell, I'm just a more evolved version of the person I was back then, so that wouldn't exactly translate itself to "manly", would it? No, it wouldn't. PS: I fucked your mom last night... spread the word.

Take The Mark (May 21/11)

2011-05-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

Since the end of the world is supposed to happen today, I figured I should release one last blog before we're all cast into the pits of Hell for eternity. That is how it works, right? Actually, it seems to me, The Rapture is when Jesus Christ returns to Earth and takes all of his Christians with him, while the rest of us remain here to, like... die. Right? Then an Anti-Christ comes, and everyone gets several hundred years of peace, before Earth eventually becomes Hell. Something like that. Oh, and we all have to take the mark of the beast!! Bahaha, I almost forgot about that part! Holy shit, I'm actually gettin kind of excited over this thing, now that I'm thinking about it! Please really happen... pleeeaaasse!! *gets on knees, puts hands together & bows head* Dear lord, don't let us down. Everyone's been building up your impending return tomorrow, so if you don't make an appearance, lots of your fans will be disappointed. Plus, if you take all of your people back with you, the rest of us can live in a world without Christians. The mere thought of that is making me salivate. I'm just hoping Satan waits until the end of next week to make money extinct, since I don't get my cheque until then, and I need to stock up on food and booze. Welp... I better get writing, so I can release this before it's too late!

I feel like I have no choice but to talk about Osama bin Laden in this thing, since he's recently been in the news. So... they killed him did they? From what I understand, the US military found him in a mansion on the Pakistani border, and shot him down. I'm not even gonna pretend to know any more about politics than I really do (very little), but it seems odd to me that Pakistan would safely harbour the most wanted terrorist in the world. The USA are fighting a war on terror, not specific countries. For the last 10 years, they've been saying he was hiding in an underground cave of some sort, and a few members of Al Qeada were the only ones that knew where he was located. They even suspected him to be dead at one point. Apparently, neither of those things were true, which strikes me as a bit confusing. It seems as if there are more people in the world that are anti-American than they want us to believe. In all honesty, I'm definitely not anti-American. I have no problem with citizens of the USA, nor the country as a whole. It's fun to poke fun at them, since I'm Canadian, and they always seem to poke fun at us, but in reality I think the USA is an awesome country. It represents many different cultures coming together and being able to live as one nation, with a high quality of life. Things are set up so very few people have to go without food/clothing/shelter, and lots even have the opportunity to live in luxury. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan on buying an American flag anytime soon, but I'm just giving credit where it's due. I'd still rather live in Canada though.

One thing I don't like about the USA is its government and military (I know that sentence probably won't sit well with some people, but so be it). Let's just go out on a limb for a second and assume everything the news/media feeds us is accurate; they really did murder bin Laden, and everything went down the way they claim it did. If so, good. That's great. If he and other terrorists were fully responsible for the attacks on Sept 11th, and there's no conspiracy at all... good. I hope the motherfucker's tortured for a thousand lifetimes. But! And this is a big but (not to be confused with a 'big butt', as in... "I like big butts, and I cannot lie"). But the chances of everything that's going on in the world being depicted exactly as it really is by the news is very very slim. Of course, people make up conspiracy theories to go along with almost everything, but it is a good practice to think critically and draw your own conclusions. It seems obvious, despite what's true, that getting rid of bin Laden hasn't really changed anything, but was used to boost the American spirit. This could've been done so the US military will have more support from the American people if they choose to broaden their attacks. It's hard to say, but my instincts tell me this stupid war isn't on the road to getting better. Could all of this provoke some type of retaliatory terrorist attack against the US in the near future? And if so, will it be a real terrorist attack, or something orchestrated by the Powers That Be to boost patriotism and raise military support? Sometimes this 'reality' that we're forced to digest seems like one big storybook that's being written ahead of time.

Ahh, I love writing. Especially when things start to flow smoothly, and fall into place. Maybe I should write a fictional story sometime. The urge to do so strikes me occasionally, but the feeling often passes before I can get any real ideas structured. The great thing about writing fiction is that you can use characters and situations to convey a message that would otherwise be difficult to articulate by simply trying to explain it. If I were to write a story, I'd probably be more suited for children's books, rather than trying to appeal to adults. Fuck it, I'd appeal to all ages... although the term 'fuck it' isn't really suitable for younger readers. I don't know, maybe my type of story would be one containing a somewhat juvenile plot, mixed with vulgarity and controversy, that also teaches a good lesson. Kinda like my 'The Pony' character that makes an appearance on Twitter every now and then. Speaking of which, I think it's soon about time he makes one-a-them there returns. It tends to happen out of nowhere, so I'd expect it sometime within the next few months... fair warning! I've been thinking about making a separate account for The Pony, but that would take away from some of the appeal. Plus, I made the decision to only have one Twitter account when I joined, and I've still lived up to that choice. I'm not against people making fake accounts, or parody accounts for the sake of humour (as long as they don't pretend to be a celebrity, and fool people), but I've decided not to do it myself. I can comfortably say that I'm 100% honest about only ever having one Twitter account (ParadiXe). If anyone has ever suspected otherwise, they would be wrong. I originally made this decision due to the Andy Kaufman character that's been on Twitter for a few years now.

It was rumoured that the same person had a few accounts going, and for a while, mine was suspected to be one of them. I didn't like the idea of that, since I enjoy being my own person, plus I didn't want to be a part of something so deceptive. I mean, knowing Kaufman's style, I wouldn't doubt if he's secretly still alive today. He often discussed, before his 'death', about how he planned to fake it. I'd say there's about a 15% chance that he's alive, living a normal life incognito. However, I've always had the feeling that the (TheAndyKaufman) account on Twitter isn't him. If they didn't pretend to be the real deal, I probably would've been following them all along. But instead, it doesn't seem like something I'd like to get very deeply involved in. Sure, I dip my toe in it every now and then, but I try not go over my head in what seems to be unpromising, choppy waters. I know some have, and for their sake, hopefully they get some type of closure on the issue. It would be nice if either the person running the account admits that it isn't Andy Kaufman, or they prove that it is. Either way, I'd probably start following them. Like, holy shit though, if it really is... wow. Andy's material has had such an influence on me, I'd be super-excited if the 'Verified Account' stamp could someday be added to that profile.

Even without the confirmation of the real Andy Kaufman, there are still lots of people on Twitter that I'm inspired by, and am a big fan of. If you would've told me a few years ago that I'd be able to send messages to various role-models of mine (ranging from comedians, to musicians, to pro-wrestlers) on a site like Twitter, and they'd actually read some of them, I would've considered it too good to be true. I might not show it sometimes (and/or express it in weird ways), but I truly do appreciate everyone that's helped shape me into the person I am today. Even though I take pride in staying as original as possible, and being my own person, I can't deny being influenced by various forms of pop-culture.

In a previous blog, I remember mentioning how my interest in space, time travel, and topics of that nature haven't been influenced by pop-culture at all. The only sci-fi show I've ever been remotely interested in has been Star Trek: TNG, and I only (slightly) got into that after graduating high school. While this is true, I did accidentally overlook a few things that may have initiated some of my fascinations from an early age... and since I have a strong conscience, I won't be able to rest easy until I make sure I'm totally honest. There was this video game I got for Nintendo when I was about 5 or 6 called 'Pin Bot'. It was a pinball style game, and whenever you did certain tasks, the name of a planet would come up. It started with Pluto (which was the farthest planet from The Sun at the time), and ended with Mercury. The objective was to make it to The Sun, I think. I haven't played the game in ages, but I do know that's what taught me the order of the planets in our Solar System. When I first learned them, I had em memorized from Pluto to Mercury, unlike how most people have them memorized (because of the game). After that, it seemed like I became obsessed with space, and everything about it. I know lots of kids have a slight interest in things like that, but I had to know as much information as I could possibly cram in my brain. Even though that video game only taught me the order of the planets, maybe if I didn't learn that so early on, I wouldn't have been provoked to learn more, and eventually become obsessed with the topic. It's so strange when you think about how taking away one seemingly insignificant thing from one's past could potentially alter their present and future so significantly. If the circumstances leading up to me getting 'Pin Bot' would have gone differently, I might be a completely different person right now.

Ya know, that last paragraph pretty much just ripped my balls apart. Having to admit my interest in space originally came from a freaking video game hurts my poor little ego. Not only does it make me look like a gamer-nerd, but it also sounds so... typical, and makes me feel like I'm a victim of societal programming myself. I wouldn't mind the 'gamer' label, but in all truthfulness, I seldom play video games anymore. The only games I've really played over the last 10 years have been from either the Zelda or Mario series (aside from a few other random ones here and there). I did play a lot of Nintendo when I was little, and really enjoyed RPGs as a teen, but lately, just haven't been able to get into video games. The latest system I have is the Gamecube, but I'm sure when the next Zelda comes out, I'll end up getting a Wii. While I'm at it, if anyone reading this is into gaming, I'd like to suggest two underrated games for the Gamecube that I played a few years ago, and loved the fuck out of. Gamecube isn't really known for having the best games, but these two rule. One's entitled 'Second Sight'. It's similar to a first-person-shooter, which isn't typically my style, but this game is great. The other one's called 'Beyond Good And Evil'. Absolutely awesome game. I'd highly recommend both of them, if you're into that sorta thing.

In that last paragraph, I mentioned societal programming. Even though I like to think I'm aware of it, and at times, above it all... maybe that isn't the case. Everything we take in from the time we come screaming out of that dark wet hole, has an affect on us. Not only from our upbringing, and people in our lives, but through pop-culture as well. Everything from video games, to movies, to television, to music, to bedtime stories have had a hand in molding your brain into the one you have right now. The same one that's currently allowing your eyes to scroll down this page, receive the signal back, and wonder when this boring blog will finally be over. Afterall, you need more stimulation, don't you? Just sitting there, simply reading something like this probably isn't enough. Although most of you probably have at least 3 or 4 other tabs open right now, with music playing, the television on in the background, and your significant other yelling at you from the other room, asking where you put the iPad. People need to give pop-culture more credit for the influence it has on us all, whether we like to admit it or not (even very small things that can be easily overlooked).

If you were to go back in time and erase one teeny-tiny little thing, it could alter the future so significantly, I find it hard to imagine that time travel could be possible without alternate timelines being created. Let's say some little-known children's story conjures up something simple in a 3 year-old's brain that eventually leads to them making a huge breakthrough of some sort 30 years down the road, and they end up changing the world in a major way. Then, you go back in time, and either prevent the author from writing the book that inspired them, or prevent them from acquiring the book somehow (maybe they got it as an Xmas gift, so you could do something simple to cause the gift-giver to give them something else), and bam! You've dramatically changed the course of history. That's why I don't think it'd be possible to go back in time and change something on the same timeline you currently exist in, but instead would have to exist in separate ones. Also, time travel might consist of more than what people suspect. Maybe it involves something that happens inside the brain (like, being able to send yourself telepathic messages through time), rather than physically travelling back and forth. For example, if someone comes up to you and claims to be a time traveller from the year 2071... chances are, they're full of shit. Although, you never know, I guess.

I've always been interested in time travel though, and aside from the Back To The Future movies, I really can't think of what triggered that. By the way, I ended that last sentence with an intentional pun, because I also have to bring up a game I was really into in the late 90s... an RPG entitled 'Chrono Trigger' which was based on the concept of time travel. The thing is though, that was already an interest of mine before I played that game (part of the reason why I played it to begin with), so I can say in all fairness, my attraction to time travel didn't come from a video game too, haha. Others have brought up the British show 'Doctor Who' as a comparison, asking if I think I'm him, and what-not. In actuality, I had never even heard of that show until last year, when people started comparing my way of thinking to concepts explored on the show. I'm now aware it's been around since the 70s, but I assure you that's not what ignited my passion for time travel. Hahaha, "ignited my passion". That sounds like something you'd read if you opened up a romantic piece of literature to let's say... page 157, and read the 8th line down. Shit. Sorry about that, folks. Anyways, I have watched some of the new season of Doctor Who, and it actually seems pretty good. There's just something about it that prevents me from being able to really get into it. The same goes for the Star Trek: Voyager series. I can sit down and watch an entire episode sometimes, but the next time I go to watch it, I won't remember any of their names, or what they're even trying to do. It just doesn't stick. I'm interested in sci-fi topics, and truly believe a lot of science fiction eventually becomes science fact, but for some reason I just can't get engaged in sci-fi shows. I wish I could though.

As of right now, my television diet mainly consists of game shows, Discovery Channel, WWE, and Survivor (when it's airing). I watch baseball once in a while (casual Blue Jays fan), but enjoy hockey a lot more. Unfortunately, my Habs got eliminated by Boston a few weeks ago, and the season is almost over. Even though Boston's my least favourite NHL team, I might as well cheer for them at this point. Since they beat out Montreal, having Boston win the finals would mean the Habs got defeated by the 2010-11 Stanley Cup champions, making them arguably the 2nd best team in the league, haha. I know most might not see it that way, but whatever. Go suck a nad. If Boston wins, Montreal is 2nd best. Case closed. If you disagree with me, I'll pull your fucking shirt down over your head, and pummel you in the face as you're hunched over. Shut up! I don't wanna hear it. Also, I have heard non hockey fans say that fights in hockey are stupid. Dear anyone that says that: you're stupid!! You need guys on your team specializing in fighting/protecting your all-star players. You can't have some moron going on the ice with the intention of injuring your top guys, without having someone there to protect him. Plus, the more serious injuries tend to occur along the boards with players making dirty (often illegal) plays, rather than during actual fights. If you can't handle a little mutual scuffle involving a couple of grown men punching each other in the face a few times, then maybe you should dig your finger in your asshole to pick out the rainbow-coloured panties that must've accidentally got wedged up there. And wash the skidmarks out too, before you wear em again. Just a thought.

I suppose... I shouldn't be too arrogant. Not only because my team got eliminated in the first round of the playoffs, but also because any skidmarks I've had in my drawers lately have been washed out by my mommy. I've been down here (southern tip of Nova Scotia) where I grew up for almost 2 months now, living in a trailer. As of this writing, I'm still in the process of trying to get another apartment in Halifax. I can only afford a bachelor apartment, but as long as it's decent, I really don't care. I love my family and everything, but at this point, I'm certainly ready to get back on my own, half a province away, haha. My cats have been staying at my grandmother's (where they spent the first few years of their life), but I definitely want to take them back with me, so I'd need to find a place that accepts cats. Other than that, as long as it has the basic requirements (and it's quiet), I'm not fussy. I'm looking for the cheapest one I can find, pretty much. Plus, it'd be nice if it were fairly close to Dalhousie University, so it won't take me forever to get there by bus. I had one picked out that seemed ideal in almost every way, and it seemed quite likely that I'd get it, but apparently that one wasn't meant to be. Come to think of it, it was on the 6th floor, and the numbers on the door to that room lined up with the numbers on the door beside it to read "666". I don't remember the exact combination or formation of numbers, but I do know there was a 666 in there somewhere. I shit-shat you not. Like, shit-shat shatty-whack, give a dog a bone, innit?

Whew. I think I got it finished in time! Now to release it before the end of the world, in case the internet becomes extinct. Or in case I have to get the number 666 implanted in the back of my left hand or forehead. You know what? In all seriousness, if something does happen in the near future involving an idea similar to The Rapture, maybe that is representative of what's written in The Bible. Even though I don't believe in Christianity, I do believe the original Bible may have held some merit. However, due to so many translations over the years, the modern-day Bible is more of a bastardized version of the original. It should be read, learned from, and even studied... just not worshipped. Worshipping something like The Bible is dangerous for many reasons, despite how enlightening or helpful it may be. Lots of it definitely isn't meant to be taken literally, much like prophets such as Nostradamus' writings. Having said that though, if I had to give my advice on the issue, it'd be to 'take the mark'.

Charge!!! (Mar.10/11)

2011-03-09T21:53:00.000-08:00

I didn't end up doing a blog entry in February, but I did two in January, so... that evens out. I'm trying to stay on pace with releasing about one per month. So I think it's due time for another one. I get in a different mind-frame to write these than I do my tweets, so it takes about a month to conjure up enough energy and ideas for one. With that said, read if you want. Don't blame me if you're not entertained... but you don't have to thank me if you are.

Is Winter over yet? I never thought I'd be saying that, since it's my 2nd favourite season overall (behind Autumn), but I've had enough of it, at this point. When I was a kid, me and my neighbours used to want it to get as cold as possible so we could play pond hockey. If it snowed too much, we could always make snow-forts and have snowball fights. Winter was probably my favourite season as a kid, but then by age 17, it dropped to second place. Mainly because I was driving then, and it made the roads dangerous. A few years later, me and a friend liked making tunnels/igloos and get stoned in them, which was one of the best things ever. Lately, it seems as if the Winters have been more mild than they used to be, but this year we got a pretty strong one. During the Summer, when I had to go to bed with frozen vegetables just to be able to sleep, I was pretty much begging for Winter to arrive. And arrive, it did. Overall though, the temperatures have been getting warmer in this part of the world, within the past 10 years. But why? Is it because of the shifting magnetic pole of the world? Some say it's due to Global Warming (not sure how), and some say it's just natural for some Winters to be colder than others (which makes sense)... but what if it's the Powers That Be controlling the weather? Lots of people think that's plausible, so what if they're just trying to confuse us? Make us believe Global Warming is real, then boom! Crank down the heat, to see how people react. Hard to say, but just typing about the weather is boring me. It's good to use as 'small talk' between people at a bus stop or something, but who cares, really? As long as it's not cold enough to kill me, or hot enough to kill me, bring it on, motherfuckers. I can always put on extra layers, or cuddle with peas and carrots.

Last month, I had the flu (or cold, whatever), and I rarely get sick. I like to think I have a strong immune system (I don't know if it's true), but I still very seldom get sick. I'm not in very good physical shape. I'm not talking in terms of weight (I'm about average weight), I just mean... I don't properly maintain my body as much as I should. I did go through about a 3 year span where I was overweight though (up to 235lb at my heaviest), but that was due to the anti-psychotic drugs I was taking at the time, for schizophrenia. After I quit those, I lost the weight again, and am now at about 170lb. But still... I'm not in very good shape. Not horrible, but probably worse than average. I can't run very far without getting winded, for example. Plus, I drink and smoke cigarettes. I'm not very strong either... I probably can't lift much. I'm a wimp, in other words, haha. Overall, I have many flaws. ParadiXe is indestructable though :-)

I know most people access this blog through Twitter, so it's nice to be able to express myself 'out of character' in a blog entry. Sometimes my tweets are quite over-the-top, for the sake of entertainment, since that's the type of humour that appeals to me. Plus... it makes Twitter more fun. I like to keep it somewhat seperate from 'real life', so to speak. Andy Kaufman is a big influence on me, and if you don't 'get' his style, you probably won't get mine. George Carlin, Tom Green, and Sarah Silverman are also inspirations. I have my own distinct personality, but I'm not above admitting I've been influenced by others. Everyone is. Even the ones that influence me have influences. I tend to be drawn to those I see pieces of my own personality in. For example, when my friend introduced me to Tom Green in high school, he said something like "you have to watch this show; he reminds me so much of you", and that was before I had even heard of him. Since then, I've become a big fan. I've grown up being drawn to edginess/controversy, for whatever reason (which is probably obvious to anyone that reads my tweets), but I do have boundaries. They're barely there, but they're there somewhere. Woah, that's almost a tongue-twister.

Even though I'm inspired by comedians, I don't have much desire to try stand-up comedy (I'd be too nervous, and probably suck), but I do think I have some degree of talent when it comes to writing comedy. I enjoy coming up with original jokes (some aren't very good, but some are okay), so being a writer for a late night show or sitcom would probably suit me. Ideally, I'd like to work in the pro-wrestling business, since I absolutely love it, and have been a fan my entire life. Before I can do any of that though, I need more of a post-secondary education, and I dislike school. Oh well, sometimes you have to make sacrifices in life in order to get where you wanna be, so I'm willing to do my best.

Overall, I'm fairly happy with life, but I wouldn't mind making more money, without having to rely on government assistance. Getting a job that appeals to me, and making enough money to be able to enjoy life to its fullest is all I'm aiming for. I have very little desire to be rich, I just want enough to be able to travel a bit and support a future family. At this point, I can barely support myself, so even having a steady girlfriend is pretty much out of the question. In my previous relationship (lasted 6yrs), I'd feel guilty that I couldn't afford to spend much on her, or pay for meals if we went somewhere to eat. In fact, she ended up paying for my meals a lot of the time, which isn't only bad for the ego, but the conscience as well. In December, I'd sometimes work at a fish-plant for a couple weeks to save up enough money to spend on people for Xmas, but for the rest of the year, I didn't do much work-wise. I liked doing odd-jobs for people the most, since I didn't have to claim it, meaning they wouldn't deduct it from my cheque.

The government are such bitches in some ways. It's no secret that they can see and hear everything we do at all times. I'm probably one of the ones they watch closely, due to the amount of power I have in other dimensions. I'm not joking about that either. I'm not gonna go into details, since it will probably sound too crazy, and I kinda wanna keep some level of what people would call 'sanity' to these blog entries. Plus, it'll end up leading into topics I wanna save for the future. Anyways... what the fuck?? I was gonna talk about the dangers of nasal spray addiction up there somewhere. I planned to have the flu thing lead into it, but got sidetracked. But it flowed well, so fuck it. Oh well, let's talk about it now then, shall we?? *trumpets* "doodley-doot-dee-dooooooo!!! ...CHARGE!!! Worst transitional paragraph ever.

Nasal spray addiction. When I had the flu, one of the most aggravating things about it were the stuffy noses, especially while trying to sleep. After being sick for a couple days, I decided I had to go out and buy some type of pills for it, as well as some goddamn nasal spray. No more constantly turning from one side to the other during sleepy-time, just to unclog the bastards. So, I bought Tylenol Cold & Flu, and some no-name nasal spray. I ended up taking 4 pills in total (two, twice), and the seal on the nasal spray remains unbroken to this day. It's easier than people might think to become addicted to nasal spray. The more you use it, the more you need it. I remember that from the other times I've been sick. Having clogged nostrils gives you a helpless feeling. Panicky even, at times. You could be doing something, and you absolutely can't breathe out of your nose at all, so have to use your mouth. Then your mouth gets dry, and... ughh. It's just one big chain-reaction of powerlessness. Especially if you're in public, with kleenex stuffed in your pockets. Then... that can all be solved with a few squirts in your nose. How convenient is that? And that stuff works too! Within less than a minute, usually. I'll go on record and say right now (you read it here first) that I have never had a nose so clogged, that nasal spray couldn't fix it. Write that one down. Laminate it. But then, when it wears off, your nose is like, twice as friggin cloggy. So you have to keep using more and more to get the same results. That's why I only try to use it when absolutely necessary. So, by day 3 of whatever virus I had, it was manageable enough to the point where I didn't even need to open it. It expires in 2013, so if I get sick between now and then, I won't have to get more. I bet I won't though.

I'm not sure if my immune system really is strong, or if it's just my spirit and willpower. I may not have a strong body, and may have somewhat of an unstable mind, but my soul is very strong. I'm not just saying that because you can't measure it scientifically, and I desperately need a strength... I'm saying it because I sincerely believe it to be true.

Speaking of spirits, I've been pondering a theory about how our souls work exactly. I'm sure someone else has already thought of it, but at this point, is there anything that at least someone hasn't already thought of? I don't really read all that much, but I tend to think of theories that might lead someone else to say "ohh... that's (insert theory name here) theory! You must've read (such-and-such)!" And, I'm not just saying this but, usually I'll never have even heard of it. Anybody can think of something they perceive to be an original thought, but how would you know a million other people aren't thinking the same thing? Most people probably wouldn't talk about it, and even if they do, it might only get spread to a few people (unless they're well-known). Since I value originality and individuality so much, the thought of this slightly disturbs me. I wonder why though... why do I value those things so much? Does it stem from ego? Or maybe a fear? It could be an insecurity of being replaced somehow. If there's only one me, I'm irreplaceable, therefore I feel needed in the world. I really don't know, but sometimes I like to think less selfishly. It feels liberating in a weird way, to set yourself aside at times and feel part of one overall essence, rather than one individual. Some say we all share the same soul, which could be true.

However, instead of everyone sharing one soul, maybe there are several spirits inhabiting each of us all at once. Thousands, even. I'm sure there are enough spirits out there for a thousand to be able to inhabit all 6 billion humans. And think about this one. Maybe they aren't all the same combinations of spirits from day to day. Let's say we have 50,000 spirits in us, on average. Maybe 30,000 of them remain constant, but the other 20,000 switch around from person to person on a daily basis. During sleep, let's say 45,000 of them leave our body, but 5,000 of our 'constant' ones remain. This is needed in order to remain alive, and in case we wake up unexpectedly. Perhaps during those times when you feel half-asleep, or low on energy, we only have 25,000 spirits in us. Then, at times when you're full of energy, our bodies might contain 100,000 spirits. This would actually explain a lot. When someone dies, it would then be possible for their 30,000 'constant' spirits to be shared with the living. If this is true, think of the implications, and all the things it explains. Another thing I was thinking was, it would make sense for different species to be able to hold different amounts of spirits. Like, a worm might only hold 3. Something like a rabbit... maybe 50. That type of idea. And not only different amounts, but their 'constant' spirits would be unique to that species only. These are just ideas, but what if I'm right? Like I said, it would explain a lot, and affectively tie different theories together so they all make sense.

Hmm, I wonder at which point in this blog I hit some herb... Seriously though, I have read it over a few times, and it explains my theory as accurately as possible. The number of spirits may not be accurate, but it was just used as an example that was easy to work with. Anyways, it does sound kinda 'stonerish', but oh well. I'm a stoner, so it makes sense to me, I guess. I'm not ashamed of using marijuana for creativity, but there's no way I'm even trying hard drugs, like cocaine. For one thing, most of the wars fought on Earth are mainly over hard drugs, despite how they disguise it. Plus, I don't wanna end up like Charlie Sheen. I'm already winning by abstaining from that stuff. Alcohol is strong enough for me.

I might as well briefly talk about the Charlie Sheen thing, since it's kind of a marker on the pop-culture timeline (albeit a brief one). If I read this blog in the future, I can be like "Ohh yeah, that 'winning' thing!" Either that, or that'll be a catchphrase for the next while. Hard to say. I don't mind it, since it's kind of funny, but hopefully it isn't a 'thing' for the next few years or something. As for the Sheen story itself... at this point, I'm completely disinterested. A first, it intrigued me, since I thought he was off drugs, going through a crazy withdrawal, which would be followed by an eventual crash. It's kind of sick that something like that would grab so much attention in the first place, but there ya have it. I was actually interested in a non-sick way though. I didn't want him to fail, or have a bad crash. If he really were clean, I would probably still be in support of it. Afterall, all the support from so many people would've made things easier for him. But when I found out he still wasn't clean, I lost interest. Like, what's the point of it anymore? That's why I think this will be the quickest fad ever. It got loads of attention for a few days, but at this point, I can't see how it can sustain momentum. Maybe we'll call it the "Tiger Blood Era". Phhphph, so fuckin silly.

Trends in both society and the news seem all scripted anyways. It's like there's an overall force, trying to mold humanity it a certain direction, and are trying to do it gradually. And what better way to do that, than through pop-culture? Even though I sometimes try to pretend I haven't been influenced by pop-culture much, who am I kidding? We all are, in some ways. Although, from a very young age, I've been obsessed with outer-space. I know, lots of kids are... but I went through the effort to research all I could about astronomy, and by age 6 (in grade one), I knew all of the planets from The Sun to Pluto (nine, at the time), as well as how many (known) "moons" they had. That wasn't influenced by either my peers or pop-culture, in any way. The only sci-fi show I've even been remotely interested in, has been 'Star Trek: TNG', and that was in my early 20s. If you gave me a quiz based on that show, I'd probably score less than 50%. And that's my favourite sci-fi show ever!

Yes, I say 'favourite' instead of 'favorite'. I know a lot of Canadians use American spelling, but there's a such thing as Canadian English, so that's what I use. It actually differs from European English too. It kind of uses a mix between American and European. For example, Canadian English includes "u"s in words like 'colour' (like European), but uses "z"s in words like 'realize' (like American), making it unique. I definitely have no problem with American English. As I said, lots of Canadians use it. In ways, it makes more sense, since it tends to shorten words. Like, why add the extra "u" if you don't have to, kinda thing. Meh, since there's a Canadian English, and I'm Canadian... why the hell not, eh? Now... if you'll excuse me, I have to go tap my maple tree, until my hands become sticky with sap. Hopefully I don't get attacked by a moose.

Stormy Weather, Whether You Like It Or Not (Jan.16/11)

2011-01-15T20:02:00.000-08:00

I usually like to begin my blog entries with an opening paragraph, briefly outlining the body of it (like how you'd write an essay for school), but this is my fucking blog, and I can write it however I want. As I said before, I can express myself more affectively if I don't follow all the rules. And that goes for writing as well. It's easier to convey your literary 'voice' if you just kinda write how you'd word things in real life. So... there you have it. I guess that's my opening paragraph.

Something I've noticed since re-joining the whole 'online world' in 2009 is how much importance people give to weather. I'm sure everyone has different reasons for doing this, and it makes sense in some cases (since stormy weather is dangerous to travel in, etc), but it seems as if most people discuss it for other, more illogical reasons. And those illogical reasons tend to lead people to exaggerate one way or the other.

If someone has an opinion on climate change, they almost always exaggerate. When they want to prove that global warming is gonna kill us all, they'll constantly say how hot the weather is. If someone wants to prove that global warming is fake, they'll constantly say how cold the weather is. For example, let's say two people live in the same area (meaning they'd have the exact same weather), one might claim the weather's hot and the other might claim it's cold. Then, if you were to check the actual conditions from a reliable weather site online, you find that it's right in the middle of both people's claims. Why can't anyone just be HONEST about things like that?? Especially when it's so easy to figure out they're exaggerating.

My stance on climate change is that the Earth is shifting on its axis (a type of magnetic polar shift), meaning that some parts of the world are getting colder, and others warmer. I really have no stance on the 'global warming' issue as it relates to the ozone layer. That's bullshit, imo. At one point, it was destroyed and we're all gonna die, now some are saying the holes are sealing up, and blah blah blah. It's just another technique the 'Powers That Be' (that I sometimes hashtag as the #PsTB on Twitter) use to put us in a state of panic/insecurity. I'll cover more on that a bit further down the screen.

Anyways, another reason people exaggerate weather conditions is to make where they live sound more appealing to those in other parts of the world. It's probably just human instinct to do that, since it serves as a recruiting technique to get others to join their location (or 'tribe'), in case of a war/battle of some sort. Like, "our group lives in a better place than your group! Join us! It's friendlier, cleaner, wealthier, warmer... better!"

Now, don't get me wrong, all of those sound like appealing attributes to lure someone into wanting to inhabit an area... until warmer. If the pen is mightier than the sword, so to speak, this is where I stab the fuck out of the 'Powers That Be'. Society may not have clued-in to this agenda yet in 2011, but in the future, more people will indeed figure it out. The weather is being controlled by the ones who are in control of this planet. The govn't? No, I mean really in control. You can refer to it as 'God' or whatever you want. But there is something 'behind the scenes' that even controls the govn't. The major (wealthy) leaders of the world are obviously in on it. The thing is though... are all of them being led by the same forces? If so, there would be no major wars. Humans aren't that fucking stupid, that they'd divide up into separate groups and try to completely destroy each other, (when in reality, we could all live together somewhat peacefully...) are they?

Throughout recorded history, humanity have always battled amongst themselves, but maybe this is due to being punished as a species by those in control. What if, at one point, a branch of monkey all worked together to try and take down the PsTB? It would only make sense for the PsTB to prevent this from happening again by separating them. Think about it. If we had some type of insects as pets, and they could escape the aquarium by working together, we'd obviously put em in different containers to prevent that from happening. Although the same person could be taking care of all aquariums. So that could mean the leaders of countries that are seemingly at war, are really just playing a role... while innocent, brainwashed civilians do their dirty work. This, in turn, keeps humans 'busy' with completely senseless things, keeping them under control, and unable to figure out what's really going on.

So what does this have to do with the weather, and why would they need to control it? Simple. Control. That's what it's all about. So many people seem to let the weather control their mood, it determines the direction of their entire day. Most are programmed to feel positive feelings during hot/sunny weather, and negative feelings during cold/stormy weather. There are exceptions of course, but that's how most are wired.

Is it a coincidence that the Illuminati are Sun worshippers? Maybe. Although sometimes you have to ask yourself what the intentions are, before deciding whether something's a coincidence or not. And even if it isn't a coincidence, if the intentions aren't harmful, then good! I know I talk a lot of trash about the PsTB, but I'll go on record to say right now... there's nothing we could do about it, even if we tried. The ones in control of Earth are in control of Earth. That's it. They know what they're doing. They've forced different branches of humanity to understand them in their own ways, through religion. The humans who gain power in this world have been chosen for that role for specific reasons, which will lead us into the ultimate age. The prime of humanity.

Eventually, humanity itself will reach the point where we're all able to work together in a positive way, without the desire to overtake the ones who lead us. Once this happens, the next step can be taken in our dimensional/spiritual development, and we may be able to 'create' another species much like our own, and 'take care' of them much like the PsTB 'take care' of us. Then, after a lot of hard work and nurturing, the species we created may be able to help us.

Alright, at this point, I'm having major writer's block, and guess what? I'm gonna be honest about it and not be afraid to show my weaknesses. At the risk of losing readers, let's just keep typing and see what comes out of it, shall we? I'm feeling like this is the sloppiest blog I've written to date. (And no, 'to date' doesn't mean I wanna date my own blog). Like, yeah... here we go, let's print this thing out, take it to a restaurant, and buy it a drink. But what other term could I have used in its place to mean the same thing? Coulda used 'so far', but then people could've interpreted it in a way to think I astrally travel 'so far' away to be inspired to write blogs. I hate having to be careful of how I structure sentences, so people with their own perception of what they think I'm trying to say aren't proven right. If someone thinks I'm trying to sell them weed, and I say "we'd be good if...", they might interpret that as a sales-pitch.

I love innocent wordplay, but the dangerous thing about it, is when it provokes others to dissect everything you say, thinking you might be using it all the goddamn time. Fuck. After a while, you can't say anything, without one-dimensional idiots calling you out on worshipping demons, just because you had to use the word 'demonstration' to make a point against demons.

On a similar note, I've used the word 'human' throughout this blog, but that doesn't mean I'm not including myself in that genre. I was just trying to see things from a neutral perspective on the issue I was writing about.

Wow. This blog is horrible, isn't it? Stormy weather, ladies and gents. Stormy weather.

Well... might as well go with it at this point then. How bad can this blog get?

What's your favourite kind of popsicle? Everyone says purple. Hardly anyone picks orange. Like, out of the classic purple, pink, and orange popsicles. Popsicle Pete, I think his name was. Orange seems to have a weaker flavour, I guess. So... yup. Hi, readers. Hello. How is everyone doing? Hopefully everyone's well, cuz I, you know, just want the best for every being that exists in the Milky Way, and... Oh!! Oh, wait! I just thought of a topic I wanted to cover in a blog. The pronunciation of the year we live in.

Most people I come in contact with say that this year is 'Two-Thousand Eleven'. I understand why this happens, since the last ten years have had the word 'Two-Thousand' in their name. The 'Year Two-Thousand' right until 'Two-Thousand Nine'. Yes. I get that. BUT! Since 2010, people in the future will call it 'Twenty-Ten', 'Twenty-Eleven', etc. In the year 1010 (the only other time this would be an issue), I bet people were still saying 'One-Thousand Ten' (due to the fact they were used to saying 'The Year One-Thousand' right up until 'One-Thousand Nine'). But now, we say 'Ten-Ten'(1010) or 'Ten-Nineteen'(1019). I'm not trying to speak down on everyone as some sort of mystical traveller from the future or anything, I'm just using common sense. And there seems to be nobody that understands exactly what I mean when I justify why this year should be pronounced 'Twenty-Eleven'. I don't expect people to take my points seriously unless I explain why they should. And that's why you should. I really could give two pieces of shit how people pronounce the year now. They can call it 'The Year Of Two-Thousand And Eleven, After Death, Of Jesus The Goddamn Virgin Pussy Saviour Almighty' for all I care. That's not gonna change how people pronounce it in the future.

Speaking of the future, it's up to us to set those who are just entering the world on the right path, by setting the proper example. It disgusts me when I hear about abusive situations. Not just parental, but against anyone in a weaker position than them. Abuse against pets, women, minorities, etc goes to show that those people wouldn't make good caretakers in other realms. Therefore, they won't progress spiritually until they learn the lessons they need to learn. Hate/negativity is definitely not the correct path.

When I hear about people taking care of others/spreading love, it definitely makes the experience worth it. Seeing pictures of babies being genuinely loved makes me feel proud to be human, knowing there's a promising side to humanity. Love is a beautiful thing, and comes in many different forms. The love I feel for my family is a totally different kind of love I'd feel for a role-model, a bag of nachos, or a cheap hooker. But they're all legit forms of love. And on that note, I love anyone who's made it through such a horribly unorganized, and overall poor-quality blog entry. I promise the next one'll be better, haha.

Actually, I could just be trying to convince you all that this is a really bad entry, as a reverse-psychology technique, when in actuality I think it's amazing!! I'll let you be the judge.

And in closing... Fuck a closing paragraph. The end.

Drug Of Choice (Jan.05/11)

2011-01-05T13:45:00.000-08:00

It may seem hard to believe in this day and age, but there was about a 4 year span between 2005 & 2009 where I had no internet whatsoever. During that time, I didn't really miss it, since I wasn't used to having it. I always had it during my teenage years though (I think we got it when I was 13), but eventually I got rid of it. My computer was so old and slow, and it was so difficult to navigate, I just said 'fuck it' and went without internet. I suppose, I could've saved up money (slowly but surely), and eventually got another computer, but I wasn't really motivated to. I had very little desire for internet, for some reason.

Now, since I've had it for 2 years, I can't imagine going without it. Sometimes I take little breaks from it, but nothing more than a few days. During times where I'm forced to go without it, I don't feel complete. That's not good, is it? Probably not, but I have a feeling lots of people share this 'addiction'. With this in mind, during the years I went without internet, I can't say I was any less entertained than I am with it. Even though there's lots more you can do with internet than without it, once you adapt to life without it, you automatically find other things to assuage your needs. We all have different levels of potential self-fulfilment. It seems like some people aren't satisfied with hardly anything in life, no matter how much they have... and some people appreciate almost everything, no matter how little they have (and all levels in between).

I'm probably somewhere in the middle, but more on the 'appreciative' side. I always try to enjoy every waking moment, even if it consists of doing things I don't enjoy doing. I try to find different ways to look at negative situations, whether it be pretending I'm in a video game, or running through my head how I can write about the experience later to make it sound dramatic. I really try to soak the most out of even the simplest things. I think I'd have a similar outlook and level of happiness even if I was rich... no more, no less. If I were to suddenly win the lottery, it would be incredibly exciting at first, but then I'd settle back in to my regular level of satifaction, regardless of how many new luxury items I had. [Although I seldom play the lottery, so that's unlikely to happen anyways. And chances are, the path I'm going down in life as an aspiring writer won't exactly rake the money in either, haha.] So, at my financial state, an 8 pack of beer would excite me just as much as a monkey that shits pure gold nuggets to someone who's wealthy. Finding a $20 bill in an old coat pocket has the potential to make my day. To someone with more money, they'd just shrug and chuck it in the change jar. Doesn't that mean that it isn't necessarily the material thing that's important, but rather the value we put on them? It seems that, the more we get, the less value we put on each individual thing, since our value is spread out more. So, for those people who are in low-income brackets that are unhappy... chances are, they'd still be unhappy even if they made more money. And vice-verca, of course.

Goddammit, since I mentioned an 8 pack in that last paragraph, I've been craving beer. I don't usually drink while writing blog entries, but what's one beer gonna hurt? Or maybe I should write more, then reward myself with beer (I kinda stole that line from the movie 'Adaptation' btw, only replace 'beer' with 'coffee'). Hmmm, actually, I wonder what's more unhealthy? One beer or one coffee? Something tells me one coffee... as long as you have the willpower to actually stop at just one beer. I seldom do. Once I get that first one down, I usually have to keep going (unless I'm not craving to drink, and I just force one down to be socially polite). Awww, it's so good though. Not just beer, but alcohol itself. You can feel that comfort/confidence level rising after every swig, along with that nice fuzzy feeling in the brain that slowly increases upon ingestion. If only there was a way to control your intake with alcohol, it would be beneficial in a lot of ways. But the trick lies in control. Some people can do it; just drink enough to raise your confidence a bit (but not too much), keep your senses fully intact, and stay at that level of intoxication. I wish I was one of those people. It's so tricky, because at one point it could be perfect, (everything's good socially, etc.) so you drink more. Then you accidentally reach the point where your voice is too loud, your confidence starts turning to arrogance, your brain's no longer at 'optimal potential', and you don't even notice. There's a fine line between drinking just the right amount, and drinking too much. That's one of the main reasons alcohol is so dangerous.

If I absolutely had to choose between never drinking again and never smoking weed again, I'd definitely give up drinking. I try to limit my drinking to about 2 times per week (for both financial and health reasons), but I smoke weed everyday. Once in a great while, I'll go an entire day without marijuana, but that's quite rare. I'm honestly convinced that it's healthy, if used responsibly. So yeah... I'm pretty much stoned all day, and I love it. I know some people say "if you smoke weed everyday, it doesn't get you high anymore!" Bullshit. It's true that we build up a tolerance to it (like with any drug), and need more to receive the same effect... but I prefer it that way. If I only smoked occasionally, there'd be the risk of getting too stoned, and not being able to function in public. I enjoy not getting 'wrecked', as they say. I definitely get high everytime I smoke it though, just not an intense high. And like I said, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Unlike people who move on to hard drugs once marijuana fails to get them 'blitzed', I have absolutely no desire to. When I smoke some really good weed and get more stoned than usual, I think to myself "okay... I don't think I'd ever wanna be higher than this. This is plenty." Paranoia even kicks in sometimes. I can see myself trying shrooms someday, under the right circumstances, but nothing more than that. I've vowed to myself that alcohol will be the hardest drug I ever use, and I plan on obeying myself.

Alcohol is like one of those things that force you to increase the intake of all other addictions. When I'm drinking, I smoke about 10x more cigarettes than when I'm not drinking. On the average, I only smoke about 3 cigs per day while sober. Sometimes more, sometimes less, sometimes none at all. That isn't too bad. I honestly think that if I ever quit drinking, I could also quit smoking cigarettes. It's like my sober-self is just smoking a few to satisfy the addiction my drunk-self has with nicotine, haha. But man... they go so well with booze. When I'm drinking, it just doesn't flow as good if I can't smoke to go with it. If I'm someplace where I'm forced to go outside to smoke, it's annoying, but I don't mind at all. I totally understand why non-smokers wouldn't want to be around cigarette smoke. There are so many reasons, I'm not even gonna bother to list em all. They're so unhealthy and damaging, I wish I could quit. But like I said, I wouldn't be able to drink without smoking, and I enjoy drinking. If I didn't experiment with cigarettes to begin with, I wouldn't need em at all, since (like having no internet), I'd be able to be completely fulfilled without them. I didn't try cigarettes, believe it or not, til I was 18. Most people started in high school, due to peer pressure. I started after high school and it had nothing to do with peer pressure. In fact, it was kind of the opposite, since none of my friends smoked. I started smoking marijuana right around that time, and when I was low on weed, I'd mix my joints with just a bit of tobacco so the weed would last longer. That's what got me hooked on cigarettes. If I had it my way, I wouldn't smoke any cigarettes at all, still drink twice per week, and continue to smoke weed everyday. That would work for me. So pretty much the only drug-related regret I have is the whole cigarette thing.

Speaking of drug-related regrets, I hardly ever do anything I regret while stoned. When drinking though, it's a whole different story. The type of things I regret after drinking go more like "I wish I didn't do that!" and marijuana-related regrets are more like "I wish I did do that!". With alcohol I sometimes underthink my actions, and with weed I sometimes overthink them. That's why, when I do drink, I like to mix it with the right amount of marijuana... to kinda even things out. That way I'm not too impulsive or outgoing. Although, sometimes smoking weed actually discourages me from drinking altogether, which is annoying at times, but overall, is probably a good thing. But yes... MaryJane is like the responsible one who holds my hand through the times I'm sailing in choppy waters with Captain Morgan, reducing my chances of doing things I'm bound to regret, haha. I suppose, I could just take the straight-edge approach and be sober all the time, but... nah. It's too late now anyways. Now that I've experienced what it feels like to be intoxicated, life would seem incomplete without it. That's also a big part of the reason I don't dare to even try hard drugs once (or computer games like WoW), since I'm afraid the experience will be so engaging, I'll need it all the time to feel complete. I have enough of those 'addictions' in my life as it is (and yes, I categorize marijuana as a type of addiction... just not one I regret).

As I touched on, on 'On It' (told ya I was gonna do it), some forms of paranoia may actually make sense. Even ones that stem from marijuana. For anyone who picked up on the 'stem' pun as it relates to marijuana, it was unintentional... honest to fuck. Anyways, what if, while high, we're able to perceive things we regularly can't? I know this topic has been brought up by others before (mainly druggies), but what if it's true to an extent? I'm not talkin, like, ooo-ahh, that pink elephant I just saw after eating this handful of shrooms is real, but more of the instinctual feelings you get are more accurate, in ways. Like, being able to pick up on others' vibes/energies might be heightened. Maybe even being able to pick up on their thoughts, to a degree. I don't mean by smoking a joint, you instantly gain the ability to read everyone's mind, but it can definitely be used as a tool to facilitate such abilities.

I've always thought (like many others) that humans have more than 5 senses. However, maybe not in the same way most others believe. For example, I don't think we've clearly defined any of them yet. We've just discovered bits and pieces of more than 5, and have clumped them together in ways that equal that many. Seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting are just science's categories for explaining all that is currently understood about our senses. It's kind of difficult to explain exactly what I mean, but just look at it like this: Let's say we have 100 senses altogether. Maybe to use 'taste', we have to use 30 of our 100 senses, only 15 of which have been discovered. So, we kinda half understand the real senses involved with what we've labeled as 'taste'. Then, let's say we use 30 of our senses for 'smell', and 10 of those are the same ones you need for 'taste'. We already know that our sense of smell and taste are linked, so my theory already begins to make sense. Then, when you consider how pheromones work, that's indirectly linked to the 'smell' sense as well, although it remains not thoroughly explained. So instead of saying we have 5 clearly defined senses, and discovering another one will make 6, why can't we say we haven't fully tapped in to the capability of all our senses yet, and they may eventually need to be re-categorized? Some of us might be able to use 73/100 senses, and some only 50. If so though, it's difficult to prove, since some of these senses are parts of the 'proven 5' which wouldn't make them seem special at all. I have a feeling I've probably lost a lot of readers by now, but it's an original theory of mine, and I tried my best to facilitate the meaning of it. Whether you understand what I mean or not, it makes sense to me, dammit. It makes sense to me.

Some people have told me not to waste my life thinking about philosophical issues and/or the unexplained. "Just live it! Enjoy life, don't dissect it." Well, what if I get enjoyment from questioning things that have no clear answer? Maybe my meaning of life is to ponder the meaning of life. If so, who are you to tell me what I should and shouldn't think about? How does your definition of 'wasting my life' apply to me? Plain and simply, it doesn't. Nor should mine apply to you. We all put different values on different things. The moment you try to define what someone else should prioritize in life, is when you lose focus of the big picture.

On It (Dec.14/10)

2010-12-14T23:47:00.000-08:00

Time for another blog entry? Why not? So let's jump right in.

I think it's safe to say the holiday season of 2010 is officially upon us... and within a week, the winter season will be as well. I know most people reading this (especially if you live in the UK and most other parts of North America) are probably thinking it feels like winter has already arrived, but it definitely doesn't feel like it yet in Halifax. We've been getting weather comparable to springtime here in the month of December. As of this writing, we've yet to have any snow that actually stays on the ground, and the temperature today was 12°C (or 53°F). Usually, I don't make a big deal out of the weather, but since it's the holiday season, it would be nice to have some that reflects Xmas, rather than Easter. If Jesus lived here, he wouldn't know whether he was coming or going (pun intended). Having said that, however, I'm sure things are bound to cool down soon enough. I just want at least one night before the 25th where I can go out and look at lights/decorations with big snowflakes peacefully floating to the ground, like when I was younger. Some of the memories associated with such an ambience are irreplaceable, and really leaves me with a sense of nostalgia... almost to the point of getting teary-eyed. Actually, who am I kidding? It DOES get me teary-eyed sometimes. There's just so many positive experiences tied to this time of year, it makes me sad... in kind of a happy way. It's sad knowing certain events are in the past, but it makes me happy knowing they exist somewhere within the records of the universe... or at least within the records of my mind.

That's the thing. Where do these experiences go after the instant they occur? After I type this sentence, where does the record go of the 25 second span in which it took me to type it? Just my memory? If so, what if I get hit in the head, and forget lots of shit that happened during my past? Does the universe have a 'back-up' file of this data somehow? I hope so. You'd think it would have... but then again, what if we're all just as science of 2010 depicts? Just biological beings, gravitationally being held onto a giant stone, rotating around a giant ball of fire, blah blah blah. And all of our experiences are pretty much pointless in the grand scheme of things, since they're just how our brains perceive the input of information taken in by our senses. There is no soul or spirit. Nothing exists on any divine levels whatsoever, and our brains are the extent of our existence. After our bodies die, and our brains shut down... that's it. The end. All the things we've done in our lives, all the things we've experienced; our thoughts, secrets, idiocyncracies... all gone. Forever. We cease to exist altogether. We're dead. How depressing is that?? Even worse, what if it's true??

I find it hard to believe how we're all lucky enough to be existing right now, for less than 100 years, out of all the time that science claims has ever existed. Before we were born, we didn't exist at all in any way, shape, or form. We weren't even a form of abstract energy in the goddamn spruce trees. Nothing. We just did not exist at all. And when we 'die', we'll return to nonexistence. I've tried to wrap that concept around my brain many times, and to this day, it fails to make any logical sense to me. How can something start from nothing and return to nothing? For this to make sense, like... where did the first thing ever in existence come from? Or did 'existence' even exist back then. It couldn't have, because that would be something, and nothing had been created yet. Science-minded people might think they're all 100% logical, and factual, but when you really think about things, they have just as many loopholes in their theories as (if not more than) some religions. Science does a good job of explaining things logically, to a degree, but since they can't answer a lot of the bigger questions (even seemingly vital ones), it kinda loses some of its credibility for me. For example, if they can't tell us where we came from, or how things got created (and don't give me that 'big bang' bullshit), then how am I supposed to trust that there's no such thing as a soul? Besides, science always changes/tweaks their theories as time goes anyways. So, sorry Mr. 2010 Science... I'm not buyin it.

In fact, I don't buy what any religion has to say, as a whole. I do find aspects that make sense in all of them, but most parts are gaggable. I dunno if gaggable's a word, but you know what I mean. It makes me wanna gag, in other words. But I'm sure lots of people share that outlook on religion. Just some of the stupid ceremonial shit they're forced to do (or not to do), etc. is lame. Although the worst part is how they all seem to preach righteousness, while at the same time preaching intolerance of other religions. It's like all religions are programmed against each other. If you don't believe what they believe, and worship it how they worship it, boom. You get punished for it somehow. Whether it be in this life, or the afterlife. I really don't know why this is. Maybe because it's natural for animals to flock in like-minded herds for survival/protection, and that was early humans' way of ensuring their own religion spread more and persevered. Or, on a more conspiratorial level, maybe the "Powers That Be" gave humans all this diversity, and programmed us the way we are. It could've been done to separate us, so we'd never be able to join together as one species and figure out about their existence. I was thinking this could explain the Tower Of Babel in the Christian Bible. Maybe it's a metaphor explaining how humans once almost discovered the Powers That Be, and they had to divide us into races/religions/cultures to avoid this from happening again. Either that, or maybe they don't want us to overpopulate the planet and run out of resources. Afterall, how can we overpopulate when we're too busy engaging in, and/or supporting war against our own species?

I find it hard to believe that, here in the 21st century, a large number of the population are still into this whole 'war' thing. People are like a well-oiled machine (another intentional pun), designed to work for the ones in higher positions of power, who are behind all of these wars.

Now, before I go any further, I'm gonna state my real opinions on what I think about what I've referred to before as 'sheep'. These are the ones who hate their job, and are forced to do what they hate everyday, just to get the money they need to live. On Twitter, I've put down the 'human sheep' a lot over the past couple years, but my Twitter character is an amplified version of my personality. It's not really an act, or a fake character... just an over-exaggerated version of the 'real me'. Anyways, I really do think forcing people to live their lives in ways that don't fit what they're suited for, is borderline evil. Especially considering what it's funding, and how unnecessary it is. We could all live lives of luxury, if everything was distributed evenly and everyone worked doing things that were suited to them. Equality doesn't seem so unrealistic to me, although maybe it is, in reality. There would still be greed, which would lead to hoarding of goods/using them to hold power over others, which would lead to disagreements... then fast-forward a few thousand years, and here we are again, haha. No, but really though. If things existed like that, and we raised our offspring to be... well, good people pretty much, I can't see things ever turning out the way they are now. Maybe we could even modify the brain to disallow it to reach the point where we desire killing or hurting someone else. Ugh, but then how would we learn lessons? How would we know how to be able to perceive pleasure, if we couldn't experience pain? There must be a way to do it. Actually, leave our brains just how they are, and since there would be less stress, and far more happiness, the crime rate should naturally drop. What would the motivation be? On the rare occasion that crime happened, then modify the criminal's brain (as a punishment) to prevent them from having criminal thoughts (when I say 'modify', I mean via an operation). And don't say that's sci-fi... I'm sure scientists have the ability to do that nowadays.

But yeah... it ain't like that's gonna happen anytime soon. That would give humanity too much power. The ones in control like it just the way it is. It's obvious they're holding lots of things from the general population... but they have to, or else they wouldn't get em to perform as wind-up monkeys. Speakin of wind-up monkeys, this leads me to the military.

Uh-oh... here comes another 'before I go any further' explanation. My view on the military is that I have nothing against individual soldiers who are forced to go to war. As a logical person, how could I be? Not saying I'm a logical person, but fuck off. Anyways, it's the military itself that I hate... as well as the ones who choose to go to war, for fun or sport, and commit warcrimes, etc. Those type of people, no matter what colour flag they're wearing, deserve to die. As for ones who are forced overseas to risk their lives for an unjust system... I feel bad for both them and their families. It's just sad situation, overall.

I'm not exactly sure what to think about this whole WikiLeaks thing. I don't really know much about it, as a matter of fact. Some guy, or a group of people, somehow have top-secret information that the govn't are trying to keep classified? Umm, how? And more importantly, is this information legit? I know some of it is, like stuff released earlier in 2010 showing the US military killing innocent Iraqis, etc. but... how aren't the ones in power putting a stop to it? You'd think they'd somehow be able to by now. Something just doesn't seem right to me. Maybe they're all in it together, and mixing real facts with fake stuff, just to throw off free-thinkers. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.

There's a fine-line between paranoia and common sense though, in the type of world we live in. When you're constantly learning that there are things being held from public knowledge, you come to the conclusion that we're living a delusionary existence. So it becomes only natural to start questioning other aspects of this reality as well. That can be dangerous though, since there is a such thing as taking it too far. For example, some people might start questioning whether or not this reality is really reality. It might be some type of computer simulation, or just the dream of a 6 fingered hobo passed out on the corner of Dicksmack Ave. Who knows? Of course, it could be those things, but in my opinion, this is indeed reality. This is as real as it gets. We exist. We're not holograms. At least I think... but really, I don't fucking know. I don't know anything 100% sure, as far as that goes. So who am I to say? I'm just trusting my instincts to guide me in the direction of what's true, as opposed to what's false. What's right, as opposed to what's wrong. So far, it's lead me down a somewhat happy and optimistic path, so I'm gonna continue trusting it.

Welp. I suppose. That shall do it for now. I named this entry "On It" mainly because I know, in later blogs, I'll be discussing some of the things I briefly mentioned in this entry, and I wanna be able to say "as I touched on, on 'On It'." Just for my own personal amusement. Oh, and if you're reading this before Xmas, have a good holiday season, however you celebrate it, and all that corny stuff... that I wanna pretend I don't really mean by calling it corny, even though that's just a cover-up for really meaning it, and not wanting to sound like a pansy.

Reality Vs. Hollywood (Nov.17/10)

2010-11-16T22:16:00.000-08:00

In this article, I'm going to be discussing how movies affect peoples' perception of reality, and whether I think it's a good or bad thing. The two movies I'll mainly be referencing are Avatar and Inception, since they were released within the last year, and appear to have had the biggest influence on the way people think today. I'm also going to include a brief opinion piece on both movies (mainly Avatar).

I know I'm not the only one who's noticed this, but it seems as if no one discusses it. Well, I'm gonna come right out and say it. Twenty-ten seems to be the year where people have given great importance to both sleep and dreams. Prior to this year, it was vaguely discussed here and there, but hardly anyone gave it much serious thought. If you had a strange dream the night before, you mighta mentioned it at breakfast, then shrug it off and continue on. Now, people believe all sorts of things... ranging from, dreams are little lives/realities of their own, to the idea of our essence entering the body of an alien on some far-off planet when we sleep.

On paper, this doesn't seem like a big deal at all. Pretty harmless expansion of the imagination in a way, right? Well, sort of. Anytime an idea becomes so widespread that it takes on a global mentality, there's always potential for danger of sorts. Before I explore the possible dangers of such a way of thinking, I'm going to first discuss whether or not I think there's any merit to such beliefs, and what aspects (if any) I think are true.

I've always been interested in the concept of astral travel (although lots of people probably say that nowadays), and even the concept of dreams to an extent. I've experienced roughly 10 lucid dreams throughout the course of my life (dreams where you become aware you're dreaming, and you gain freewill IN the dream), and they are definitely very intriguing. When something clicks in your head while you're sleeping and you say to yourself "holy fuck, this is a dream!", it's one of the weirdest experiences ever, for sure. A few times, I simply woke up right away, as soon as I discovered I was in a dream. A few times, I got quite scared, and pretty much forced myself to wake up, due to fear. And a few times, I actually went with it until I woke up. The most prominent thought I remember having once I realize I'm in a dream is to get naked and be sexually promiscuous, with no repercussions whatsoever. I'm serious. I'm not an overly sexual person in my waking life, but once you're in a very realistic scenario created by your own mind that feels like reality... breaking sexual laws becomes the most tempting. That makes sense, since I have little desire to conduct violence or kill anyone, so sexual deviance seems like the most logical illegal activity for me to engage in (in a 'reality' with no consequences). Most people have a lucid dream at least once in their lives, and they are an absolutely amazing experience.
I've also experienced a few "out of body experiences", where the body wakes up before the spirit is back inside. This resulted in me consciously being able to see my own body lying on the bed. Those were definitely a more frightening ordeal, as opposed to lucid dreaming. I haven't done this in a while (maybe 6 or 7 years), and I honestly don't care if I ever do it again. For me, it was more uncomfortable than enjoyable.

My interest in astral travel was sparked after researching what I was going through with the out of body experiences (as well as sleep paralysis). I soon became a firm believer in the concept, and began taking it quite seriously. I just had a feeling inside that it was legit. I'd frequently tell people things like "you should go to sleep soon, and come visit me" or "I'm going to sleep soon... you should too, so we can meet" etc. And I was being serious... I really believed in it. Still do, actually. I think, in deeper stages of sleep, our spirit leaves our body. We can meet other spirits in this realm, and even organize 'chance meetings' during our waking lives the next day with complete strangers. However, despite what people may have got out of Avatar, we cannot enter the bodies of anyone else (including aliens) during this time. As long as we're alive, our spirits remain attached to our bodies by what I've read as being 'silver cords'. To me, these aren't visible cords, even in the spiritual realm, since I didn't see one attached to my body when I had my OoBE. It's more of a symbolic cord, meaning no matter how far you travel out, if your body needs to wake up suddenly, it can yank you back right away. One of the dangers of beliefs drawn from some movies, is that people might give the wrong kind of importance to sleep, thinking they might be in the middle of a battle sequence in their 'avatar', or in the middle of an 'inception'. That's not how it works. The spiritual realm isn't another planet or life, it's more like another dimension, unlike anything we could fully comprehend. However, the spiritual realm and our dreams are not connected. Dreams aren't meant to be taken literally; they're just a subconscious representation (into something tangible to our waking lives) of our brains recharging.

Yes, sleep is important. Yes, dreams are important. But not specifically in the ways depicted in the movies. And that's where it becomes slightly dangerous, since so many people seem to think that's how it goes. Some of the concepts in Inception, for example, were plausible theories... but for the sake of making the movie more interesting, some unrealistic things were added to the plot. And that's the way it should be, it's a movie! It just seems as if a lot of people aren't very good at distinguishing where the line that divides fantasy and reality actually is. Although, that's not hard to believe, considering the kind of world we live in.

As for my opinions on the movie Inception, I enjoyed it. I've only seen it once, and will admit to not completely wrapping my head around all the details the first time around. If I had to give it a rating, I'd probably say 7.5/10. I had kind of high expectations going in though, and it definitely didn't surpass them. It was pretty much as good as I was expecting it to be. My outlook on it could change though, if/when I watch it again. I'm sure I will, since I'm hoping there's something in it that might have went over my head the first time around.

Going to see Avatar (Dec.28/09) was a completely different story. My friend was back from Toronto for the holidays, and he suggested we go to a movie. I remember Sherlock Holmes and Avatar were both playing. I didn't really want to watch Sherlock Holmes, and didn't even know what Avatar was about, so we decided to go with Avatar. I had no expectations at all, I was just going to the theatre to squeeze in as much quality time as possible with an oldschool friend, haha. It wasn't even in Imax 3D.
Anyways, despite the fact I hadn't watched a movie I actually liked in over 5 years prior to that, I wasn't expecting to like Avatar either, but this one surprised me. Like, big time. Not only did it deal with topics I'd been interested in for a while (aliens, demonic possession, Native Americans, etc.), it was also put together excellently as a movie. It even had anti-USA military overtones, which kinda shocked the piss outta me (in a good way) as well. I didn't wanna be one of those 'losers' that stand-up for Avatar, but that's what I'm about to do. It appealed to me on so many levels, and articulated lots of ideas I've been advocating for years, I pretty much have no choice.
Some of the biggest criticisms I hear about Avatar are those questioning its originality. Did it contain traces of plots from movies in the past? Yes. But, when you think about it, all works of art contain traces of previous ideas, and/or influences from those that inspire them. Nothing is 100% original... that's just how it is. As long as something is its own thing, and not a total rip-off of another idea, then that pretty much defines everything that's ever been successful in the entertainment business. Even Elvis was no doubt influenced by others, even though he was one of the most original artists in modern history. Having said that, I can understand how people compare Avatar to Pocahontas. The parrellels are quite obvious. The plots have similar elements, but at the same time, are worlds apart (both literally & figuratively). I've also heard comparisons to Fern Gully and Dances With Wolves, neither of which I've watched, so am in no position to judge that stance. I've heard that James Cameron is a fan of Star Wars (a series I've never watched, nor had any interest in), so I'm sure he was inspired by that in some way as well. The one that entertains me the most however, is the comparison to The Smurfs. That's the point where it becomes obvious people are just picking it apart because they've run out of logical criticisms. The only similarity Avatar has to The Smurfs is the colour blue. And, when I think about it, I'd probably have made the aliens blue in the movie as well. You can't do green, since that's been overused with Hollywood aliens. Red would make em look too Satanic. Grey would be too representitive of The Greys (theoretical real alien species, linked to abduction). Coulda gone with a yellowish colour I suppose, but blue just seems appropriate, for some reason. Overall, aside from a few predictable and cliched parts, I thoroughly enjoyed Avatar. Not just for the visuals, effects, action, and whatever most people consider to be its strong points, but for the story and message as well. I've watched it once since I saw it in the theatre, and liked it even more the second time. The fact that it became the biggest movie ever is a powerful thing.

There's pretty much nobody on the face of the planet that hasn't seen Avatar at this point. When something becomes that huge, it has the potential to create a change in the mentality of people to a degree, or in a more extreme case, cause a type of movement. The risky part lies in whether the mentality it evokes is for the best or for the worst.
It's been almost a year since Avatar was released, and I definitely think it's made quite the dent on the popculture landscape, as well as the way people perceive things in general. It may have even awakened a type of spiritual awareness in some people, which is what good art is supposed to do. You could also pull religious controversy out of it, as well as conspiracies, such as David Icke's Reptilian Theory. The thing is though, it mixes so many different real concepts together in a fictional way, so it may confuse people into thinking, for example, they can enter an alien body in their sleep. How rediculous is that? Although some aspects, such as all living things coming from one energy/lifeforce, is something I believe in wholeheartedly, and exists everywhere, including right here on Earth. To me, Pandora is symbolic to our planet, before it was changed by modern man. It could symbolize lots of things really, but those who suffered "post Avatar depression" because they wanted to live on Pandora, clearly got a different message out of it than I did. It also suggested possible intentions of potential intelligent alien life that may be in contact with humans. So that leads one to wonder whether this movie has secretly evil intentions, or if its intentions are to enlighten us to stand up to evil. It could also be argued that if there are a such thing as Reptilians on Earth disguised as humans, this movie could be trying to force them to turn on each other (a la the main character turning on his 'species'). I know what my opinion is on the matter, but I'll let everyone draw their own conclusions as to what the hell they think is going on.

In closing, it's cool for movies to provoke thought, and even change your way of perceiving reality. Just be careful where that type of thinking will lead to in the years to come. Keep an open mind, and don't believe everything Hollywood throws at you. Just some things. Sometimes :-)

Rumours Of UFO Disclosure (Oct.13/10)

2010-11-16T10:01:00.000-08:00

Well, decided to try out this whole 'blog' thing. I've never had one before, so thought "why not start one?" I'm not gonna be too concerned about proper grammar/sentence structure, since sometimes I can articulate my point better by breaking a few rules ;-)

Anyways, I'm just gonna jump right into this whole UFO issue.

According to various reports, on or around Oct.13/10, a fair amount of "UFO"s are supposed to show themselves and hover over major cities of the world for a number of hours.

The govn't have already admitted to seeing UFOs over different nuclear sites, and the UN have even appointed an ambassador for UFOs. Her name is Mazlan Othman, and as of September of 2010 has been assigned to communicate with any extraterrestrials that may try to contact Earth for any reason. Like, for real. The UN are actually making it known that they're preparing for alien contact.

Now, I'm not educated, nor an expert on this topic by any means... (and I'm only 26), but I do have some experience when dealing with the paranormal and the idea of aliens, etc. I also have a decent knowledge regarding the science of outer space, our galaxy, and blah blah blah. I was the weird "spacey" kid in elementary school that other kids would ask questions to about the solar system. Also, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia almost 10 years ago due to space/alien-related experiences. So just because I'm not a UFOlogist, doesn't mean I don't feel somewhat "at home" with the topic.

First off, you have to look at this UFO disclosure thing logically. Let's say there were aliens that existed out there that the govn't were in contact with, or whatever. Do you really think it would go down like

"Hey aliens... you should do us a favour and schedule an appearance soon. Just hover over our cities for, oh, I dunno... a couple hours, just to show people you exist. Let me check our schedule for other news stories that day... ummm... we'll just be finished rescuing these Chilean miners, by the looks, so yeah. Oct 13th sounds good."

I highly doubt it.

If anyone's 'making the plans', it ain't the Earth govn't, obviously. Which leads me to wonder why these 'aliens' would want to show themselves so blatantly if they can do what they need to behind the scenes anyways? If they're working WITH the govn't, then showing themselves would be fucking stupid, wouldn't it? If they were AGAINST the govn't... then, well, showing themselves would be even stupider, unless they were to completely enslave us all upon their arrival. In which case, THEY WOULDN'T ANNOUNCE IT!! Come on.

Nothing about this October 13th thing makes sense to me. Well, ALMOST nothing...

The only way that these UFOs with show themselves blatantly for everyone to see, film, and report, would be one of the following scenarios:

1) The govn't are already in cahoots with them, and have been for x amount of years. Doesn't matter how long. With the assistance of these aliens, the govn't have secret technology that they aren't allowed to (officially) expose to the public up until now. The govn't will hover these ships over major cities of the world (or the aliens themselves will), tell people the aliens have arrived, and make up their own story (through the direction of the aliens) regarding their intentions. This is extremely dangerous, since they can get lots of people to think a certain way and provoke them to fight for and against whatever they want. This is all done through the aliens that the govn't are in cahoots with, however. Since, why would a species who had the technology to get to Earth NOT be the ones 'in control' of the relationship? Haha.

2) None of these sightings are aliens, but craft made by secret technologies (perhaps by secret societies) on Earth. They're using all of this 'alien threat' stuff as scare-tactics, since people are more easily controlled when afraid. The ones who created this technology would more than likely on the same side as the govn't, so would probably play out similarly to scenario #1 (only without actual aliens).

3) The aliens are AGAINST the Earth govn't, and are pretty much holding them hostage on their own planet. Much like... you know how when you're talking on the phone and someone's right there in the room forcing you what to say? Kinda like that. You don't want whoever you're talking to on the phone to know that you're being forced to say what you're saying, so you try to just act natural, haha. It's possible that these aliens are forcing the govn't to finally let the population know that they exist. At one point, people probably would've panicked. But now, I honestly don't think that would be a huge problem. If these aliens' intentions were to wipe us out, they could have done that any time. It's like they're trying to 'break us in' to their presence. Instead of pushing us in the pool right away, they're letting us dip our toe in, and slowly submerge ourselves. Whether the govn't likes it or not. That shows care/concern for us though, the way I see it... which is why it would be illogical for people to panic over such a thing.

Those are the 3 most sensible explanations that I can think of for what's rumoured to happen very soon. I'm sure there are more possible scenarios, but I'm leaning towards those 3... especially #1.

One thing's for sure though, regardless of what happens, being afraid is the worst thing that anyone could do. I have a feeling no one thinks this is really gonna happen anyways, and that's completely understandable. Every time something "strange" is supposed to go down, it seems to NEVER happen, so why would this be any different? Although, if something DOES begin to happen unlike anything we've witnessed in recent history, I can see how some people would be naturally afraid (although probably less than they would've been in the past).

In my honest opinion, there will be no big 'event' that occurs where everyone is exposed to the truth about aliens. I think it's an ongoing process. An event like this is very VERY unlikely, imo. There are both good and bad 'aliens' out there, and not just one species has influence on Earth. Some may have developed certain technologies needed to contact Earth, but that doesn't mean they're superior to humans in ALL ways. Some of the abilities of humans may far surpass some of the abilities that aliens possess. What they surpass humans in technologically, maybe humans make up for in other ways, which would explain this mutual relationship they've needed to have with us. If so, as time goes on, perhaps they're becoming more like us, and we're becoming more like them. Notice how drastically our technology has increased in recent history. Maybe, over that span, humans have assisted them in areas they were struggling with as well. Like an "I'll scratch your back" type idea. That would make sense, since if not... what's keeping them from getting rid of us? And why would they assist us technologically and want nothing in return?

I'm thinking there must have been an agreement upon initial contact, stating that we can use each other, as long as it's hidden from public knowledge. It's been structured so that we become more and more like each other as time goes on... sharing strengths, eliminating weaknesses, until someday in the distant future we become so similar that we can finally begin to mix together without keeping our relationship a secret anymore.

Could that 'distant future' actually now be the present? It very well could be.

No need to be afraid, just beware of scenario #1